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❤️🙂

“Friendly dog, but beware of owner.”
(2)
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A grueling three day drive back down to the farm and my old joke books. I couldn’t resist:

The best things in life are either illegal, immoral or fattening.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Everything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about. (My nephew gave a great demo of that one yesterday)
(7)
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❤️🙂

🐾 “Choosing a dog may be the only chance you get to pick a relative.”
(3)
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❤️🙂🐕

“No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as much as the dog does.”
(2)
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❤️🙂

“The best therapist has fur and four legs."
(2)
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❤️😉🐕

"Dog to his owner:
I did the math. We can't afford the cat."
(4)
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❤️🙂🐕

“It's no coincidence that man's best friend cannot talk."
(2)
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🥰

“One day you'll find someone that's obsessed with you. It's probably going to be a dog. But it is what it is."
(2)
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❤️😉

"I'm not drugged enough yet to spend time with my family."
(2)
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❤️😉

"Let's have a family gathering for the remaining family members who still speak to each other."
(3)
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❤️😉

"I sent that 'Ancestry' site some information on my Family Tree. They sent me back a pack of seeds, and suggested that I just start over."
(1)
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😉 the next time someone tries to hurt you...

"Is that the best you've got?"

"Those haters have no idea what they’re doing! I’ll show them how it’s done by hating myself the most."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Time to get back on my regularly scheduled nonsense."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Today’s a really wonderful day. I don’t trust it."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Don’t mind me. I’m just having an existential crisis. Move along, folks."
(2)
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❤️

"Guess who’s posting self-deprecating stuff instead of doing something productive and worthwhile?"
(2)
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😉

"I believe in my pet dog more than I believe in myself."
(2)
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😉

"What would have happened if you exterminated the ugliest guy and the dumbest guy in the world yesterday? Right, this post wouldn’t exist."
(2)
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With age comes wisdom.

Huh!

Apparently wisdom weighs about 40 pounds?
(4)
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❤️🙂

"I'm sorry. I don't speak Whinese."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life vest…I would miss you so much.”
(2)
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❤️🙂

"There is only one thing that keeps me from breaking you in half, I don’t want two of you around.”
(2)
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❤️🙂 definitely describes me…

"It takes skill
to trip over flat surfaces.”
(4)
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❤️🙂🤓😎🥸😝😜🤪😋😉

“I’m not crazy, I’m just special!!…
…No wait…maybe I’m crazy
…One second…I have to talk to myself about this, hold on…”
(2)
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❤️🙂

”4 levels of crazy:
1. Talks to self,
2. Argues with self,
3. Interrupts self while arguing with self,
4. No longer speaking to self.”
(3)
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❤️🙂

“Don’t worry about getting older. You still get to do stupid things, only slower.”
(2)
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😉

“A mediator hasn’t worked, so I brought in everyone’s moms.”
(2)
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😉

“Wish me luck. I’m going in there and not coming out until all conflicts are resolved.”
(2)
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❤️🙂🤓

“The tune in my head keeps interfering with the song in my heart.”
(1)
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❤️🙂🧚🏻‍♀️

“I’m the Solving-Your-Problems Fairy. I’ll come back…I’m going to need a much bigger wand!”
(3)
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