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😉

“Life has been good to me, but people not so much.”
(2)
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❤️🙂

“Me: I need some help here!

Also Me: No, not like that…Here, I’ll do it.”
(2)
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😉

“If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her."
(2)
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🙄

"Shhhh...
I'm hiding from stupid people."
(1)
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😉

“If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other."
(2)
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🍕🍕🍕🍕🙂

“Wanna hear a joke about pizza?
🙂
Never mind, it's too cheesy."
(3)
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❤️🙂

“BACK OFF. I've got enough to deal with today
without having to make your - death - look like an accident."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"Life is like a sandwich. You have to fill it with the best ingredients."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"Oh no!
I bought champagne
instead of milk...
again."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"I prefer to take life one panic attack at a time."
(4)
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❤️🙂

"What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?

It's impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Don't wait until you have some free time. You may never have some free time."
(5)
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Isn't modern technology great? Auto correct means I never have to worry about spelling mistakes and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
(7)
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What is wrong with people? When I complain about being overweight and out of shape the last thing I want are fitness tips and diet plans to try, I just want to complain and remain out of shape.
(4)
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Mayonnaise on sour dough bread, sliced ham, turkey, bacon, avocado, lettuce, and tomato, slice of provolone cheese.
(2)
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😉

“I want to be so rich that when I see a spider in my house
I won't kill it, I'd buy another house."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"I was told to check my attitude. I did, and it's still there...
It hasn't gone anywhere.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM??"
(5)
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"I'm not buying a 2023 calendar... until I see the trailer."
(7)
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❤️🙂

"I hate it when you have to be nice to someone you really want to throw a brick at."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"Once I get an
- ATTITUDE -
IT TAKES ME 3-5 business days to fix my face."
(4)
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❤️🙂

"Honest criticism is hard to take from a
relative,
a friend,
an acquaintance,
or a stranger."
(2)
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🙂

"Single (noun). A man who makes jokes about women in the kitchen."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"I don't need your attitude. I have my own."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Is it rude to toss a xanax into someone's mouth while they are talking?
(Asking for a friend)"
(4)
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🙄

"This is not the life I ordered."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"You never know how many friends you have until you have a beach house."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Instead of getting married, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house."
(3)
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🙄

"Have you ever had one of those days when you're holding a stick and everyone looks like a piñata?"
(4)
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🙄😉

When you've had a rough day but you're trying to stay positive:
"It's great. I'm great. Everything is just GREAT."
(2)
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🙄

"I was just wondering, is it Friday yet?
(Asking for a friend)"
(3)
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