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🌴🌴🌴

"Keep palm and carry on."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Next week
has been exhausting."
(3)
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❤️🙂
🐈🐕

"dogs can't operate mri scanners.
but catscan."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"I didn't mean to push all your buttons. I was just looking for mute."
(4)
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😉

"Never argue with a statistician. They can be mean."
(1)
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❤️🙂

My cat:
What do you mean, we're getting a dog????
(1)
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❤️

"Please invite happiness to sit at your table too."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"Stop giving CPR to dead situations."
(3)
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❤️🙂

🐕:
I saw all your clothes were clean so I put my fur on them.
Oh and that hair you just swallowed? Yeah I'm inside of you now.
(1)
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❤️🙂

A couple at the office:
THE IRS

Husband says to the wife, "Like the sign says...it's all THEIRS."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"It's OK for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up. But when I do it I'm anti-social."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she's doing."
(2)
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❤️🙂

Keep using my name in vain
I'll make rush hour longer
-- God
(3)
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😉

"Priest, reading to the couple about to marry:
Do you promise to love & cherish each other
until it's inconvenient, or you're tired of it,
or somebody more exciting comes along, or
it's just not fun anymore?"
(2)
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❤️🙂 true story about bundle of joy...

"Trust me
as you get to know me
I just get weirder."

🙂
(1)
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❤️🙂

"My cat was right about you."
(2)
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😉

"OF COURSE your opinion matters.
Just not to me."
(2)
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😉

"Due to the rising cost of ammunition
I'm no longer able to provide a warning shot.
Thanks for your understanding."
(4)
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❤️🙂

"Can someone please just give me a participation trophy for making it through today?"
(5)
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❤️🙂 happy monday everyone!!

true story
☕☕☕☕

i have 4 sizes of coffee:
small
medium
large
MONDAY
(2)
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😉

"Monday is the root of all
EVIL."
(1)
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❤️🙂

having some technical difficulties, please be patient.
i'm uninstalling monday.
(1)
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❤️🙂

"What do you call a person who is happy on Monday?
Don't worry, I don't know the answer either."
(1)
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😉

"He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed."
(0)
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😉

"This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this."
(1)
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😉❤️

"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'"
(1)
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😉

"Along with success come drugs, divorce, fornication, bullying, travel, meditation, medication, depression, neurosis and suicide. With failure comes failure."
(1)
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😉

"What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom...

Bullsh***t, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more."
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❤️🙂

"The level of success in your life is directly correlated to the number of uncomfortable things you are willing to do."
(2)
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😉

"Overthinking is the art of solving problems you don’t have."
(3)
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