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"I'm so tired, even my tiredness is tired."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"Tomorrow's forecast:
Slightly exhausted with 100% chance of needing at least 3 ☕☕☕ cups of coffee. Scattered sarcastic comments throughout the afternoon."
(2)
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😉

"Most harm is done by people who are awake."
(1)
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"The only thing worse than having a spider in your room
is
losing a spider in your room."
(5)
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Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
(4)
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My cross-eyed friend has just been diagnosed with depression.

I'm not surprised - he never looks forward to anything.
(3)
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Yesterday I took laxatives in addition to my regular Prozac. I can't get off the toilet, but I'm happy about it.
(3)
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If you ever feel sad, remember there's a number you can call and a pizza will be with you in 30 minutes.
(5)
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I hate street performers. Then again, I'm a mime artist, so I can't really talk...
(5)
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❤️🙂❤️🙂

"How to lose weight:

Turn your head to the left,
turn your head to the right.

Repeat this exercise
whenever offered food."
(1)
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❤️🙂

“I wish I were as overweight as the first time I thought I was overweight.”
(3)
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🙂

"In the Middle Ages, they had guillotines, stretch racks, whips and chains. Nowadays, we have a much more effective torture device called the bathroom scale."
(1)
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"My name is Liz. Short for Lizard.
NOT Elizabeth."
(1)
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🧇🧇🧇

 “I like my friends a waffle lot.”
(1)
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🧇🧇🧇

“Forget your sign. What’s your favorite waffle topping?”
(1)
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🧇🧇🧇

“Life is too short to wonder where you hid your waffle maker.”
(1)
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❤️❤️❤️ finally, what love really means…

“Love means never having to say sorry I ate your waffle.”
(1)
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❤️🙂

"I have the best taste in clothes.
I'm just too poor to prove it."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"I doubt,
therefore I might be."
(2)
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🙂

"I'm so poor I can't even afford to fill up my bicycle."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"Does anyone else get the random urge to get your life together in the middle of the night???"
(2)
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❤️🙂

"If idiots could fly
this place would be an airport."
(2)
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"Son:
Dad, there is a small get-together tomorrow at school...please come...

Dad:
What do you mean by small??

Son:
Only you, me, and the principal..."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Not bossy.
Aggressively helpful."
(1)
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❤️🙂❤️🙂

"Probably late for something."
(0)
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❤️🙂

"ABRACADABRA
Nope, you're still here."
(2)
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🙂

"Sorry I'm late.
I got attacked by elves."
(1)
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❤️

"LIFE
is all about how you handle Plan B."
(3)
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