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❤️

"Wake up beauty
it's time to beast."
(3)
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🙂

"Be careful how you're talking to yourself
because you're listening."
(1)
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🙂

"How to hug a porcupine:
in other words, the difficult people in your life."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"Life has its ups and downs...
We call them squats."
(3)
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I saw a headline: “Two People Die In Collision”. How fast must they
have been walking?
(3)
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Paramedic: “Are you hurt? Give me your name so we can tell your family.”

Accident victim: “My family already knows my name.”
(2)
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Did you hear about the man who swallowed dozens of Scrabble tiles? The doctor said they would eventually just pass naturally, but not in so many words.
(3)
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Why did God invent economists?
So that accountants would have someone to laugh at.
(3)
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A pastor, a priest and a rabbit enter a bar.
The bartender asks the rabbit "What'll you have".
The rabbit replies "I have no idea. I am only here because of AutoCorrect."
(6)
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❤️🙂

“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
(3)
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😉

"Everything has been figured out, except how to live."
(1)
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🙂

"Don't make me poison your food."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"This home is built on
love
&
swear words."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Save the bees.
Plant more trees.
Clean the seas.
Punch nazis."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Here's another day of
outward smiles
and inward screams."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"What doesn't kill you
mutates
and tries again."
(7)
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How do you keep someone in suspense?

I'll tell you later
(3)
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Someone once said to me: ‘You’ll never make it as an astronaut.” I
told him to watch this space.
(4)
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I’ve finally decided to retire after a long career as a graffiti artist. To
be honest, the writing’s been on the wall for some time.
(3)
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The Beach Boys walk into a bar, and in well-rehearsed harmony say:
“Round? Round? Get a round! I’ll get a round.”
(2)
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What do you call a chicken on a skateboard?
Poultry in motion.
(5)
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My dad accidentally gave me soap-flakes instead of cornflakes for
breakfast.

I wasn’t just mad, I was foaming at the mouth!
(5)
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You know it’s been a good office party when your Pink Slip arrives at your
house before you do.
(6)
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Kathleen Madigan
Comedy
"Hunting bigfoot".

Also on Youtube.
(2)
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❤️🙂

"I think the reason we're born with two hands
is so we can pet two dogs at once."
(5)
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A man flags down a bus. He gets on walks straight to a seat and sits down. The bus driver yells, "Hey, bud! You need to pay your fare!" The man yells back "My name is Crime and Crime does not pay".
(5)
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Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
(4)
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❤️🙂

"Dear wine,
We had a deal. You were supposed to make me funnier, sexier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video. We need to talk."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Do not believe
all the things you tell yourself late at night."
(3)
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😉

"First time in history

we can save the human race by lying in front of the TV
and doing nothing.

Let's not screw this up."
(3)
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