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❤️🙂

"When your 'mom voice' is so loud
that even your neighbours brush their teeth and get dressed."
(4)
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😉

"The more suicidal people there are the less suicidal people there are."
(1)
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😉

"I have ADHD. It's like ADD except the picture quality is phenomenal."
(3)
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"Happiness is...
being yourself,
in a world that is constantly trying to change you."
(4)
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How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.
(8)
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Why did the cookie go to the urgent care?

Because she felt crummy!
(5)
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What do lawyers wear to court?

Lawsuits!
(5)
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Where do snowmen keep their money?

In snow banks!



Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

Because it’s pointless!
(4)
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What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the courtroom?

Odor in the court.
(6)
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How does NASA organize a party?

They planet.



What bow can’t be tied?

A rainbow!



Why did the birdie go to the hospital?

To get a tweetment.



What has one head, one foot, and four legs?

A Bed.
(6)
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A woman told her friend, “I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a gym and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down and perspired for an hour. By the time I got my leotard on, the class was already over.”
(9)
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You know you’re getting old when you can’t walk past a bathroom without thinking, I may as well pee since I am here.
(8)
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When you are 20 and drop something, you pick it up.

When you are 80 and drop something, you decide that you don’t need it anymore.
(9)
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I’m not hard of hearing. I’ve just heard enough.
(5)
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"Go to bed in your fireplace; you'll sleep like a log."
(6)
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If a woman speaks and no one is listening her name is probably Mom
(6)
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Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
It had great food, but no atmosphere. 😂

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, it just waved.👏😝
(8)
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😉

"Every 60 seconds, there's someone posting a positive message they don't live by."
(2)
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"My back-up plan is my original plan but with more alcohol."
(3)
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"Trying to be less of an ****hole
than I was yesterday...
Baby steps.
F****k you."
(2)
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"Fight like you're the third monkey trying to get on Noah's ark..."
(6)
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A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the long face?” 🐴
(4)
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How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
(6)
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🦴🦴🦴🙂🙂🙂

"It's going tibia OK."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Therapist's office.

Patient in sofa:
I could kill for a good cup of coffee right now.

Therapist scribbling down:
Patient has latte homicidal tendencies."
(2)
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"Therapist's office.
Patient in sofa.

Therapist in armchair, making a phone call:
I'm going to be late, dear. It's total craziness here."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"X:
What's the dumbest thing you've ever done?

Me:
Awfully bold of you to assume I've peaked."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Sometimes you meet someone
and you know from the first moment
that you want to spend your whole life without them."
(3)
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"I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"When this is all over,
please continue to stay at least 6 feet away from me."
(3)
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