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❤️🙂 it's good for the soul to express gratitude!

"I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers because I can always count on them."
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😇

"It is not my fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!"
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🙄 actually, emmm, never thought about that:

"Have you ever wondered why you can’t taste your tongue?"
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❤️ i'm gonna try this. please stay tuned for updates.

"One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a crowd. If they laugh at you, you’re still young. If they run to you concerned, you’re getting old."
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🤯🙄🤯

"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"
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❤️

"I’m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything… Far from it."
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❤️

"Would you believe that my neighbor came ringing my doorbell at 2:00 this morning? Luckily for him, I was still up playing bagpipes."
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🙂

"Sausage puns are the wurst."
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🙂

"The hot dog is the noblest of all dogs. It feeds the hand that bites it."
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❤️

"Do you know the verse of the Bible where it tells you how to turn water into wine? Asking for a friend."
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🙂

"My wife just said, 'You weren’t even listening, were you?' That’s a funny way to start a conversation."
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🙂

“Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others. The same applies when you are stupid.”
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😉

“You can’t
fix stupid.”
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❤️🙂 while i exercised today…

“If I keep running, I’ve got to come across a taco stand eventually.”
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🙂 a snake talking to a turtle…

snake: I want to be confident.
turtle: Pretend you’re confident.
snake: When do I stop pretending?
turtle: Never.
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❤️🙂🐈

“I just want my cat’s confidence.”
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Don't worry about getting older.
You're still gonna do dumb stuff, only slower.
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bundleofjoy
Both of my sons play bagpipes but never at 2 o'clock in the morning. Our cats were interested when my son was practicing in his bedroom. I thought they would be scared.
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InMyShoes: I love bagpipe music. How awesome that your sons play.
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❤️🙂

"What did April Fools’ Day say after it won an award? Prank you."
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❤️🙂

"Can I tell you an April Fools' Day joke about elevators? It works on many levels."
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❤️🙂

"You are a friend worth a million dollars. I have auctioned you."
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🙂

"Whenever I check my weight, I
always subtract 10 pounds. I don't
think a girl's breasts or brain
should ever count against them."
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😉

"Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it."
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❤️🙂

"When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful though, because that Raid really doesn't taste that bad."
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❤️🙂 careful!

"When we lose twenty pounds. We may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty."
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😉 dieting...

"This year,
you'll see a lot less of me."
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🙂

"I solemnly resolve
to lose weight by living on the moon."
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❤️🙂

"I have a great April Fools' joke about construction, but I'm still working on it."
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❤️🙂 for us insomniacs...

"Keep calm
& enjoy no sleep."
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