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🙂

“I want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into cash.”
(3)
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🙂

“How old were you when you learned that the game TAG stands for ‘Touch and Go’?

I was today years old…”
(2)
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😉

“I don’t mean to brag but I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 12 minutes.”
(7)
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If you drink coffee in the nude, you're less likely to spill
(5)
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❤️🙂

"Don't count all your chickens
before they cross the road."
(1)
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❤️🙂 calvin and hobbes…

“Calvin:
I’m at peace with the world. I’m completely serene.

Hobbes:
Why is that?

Calvin:
I discovered my purpose in life. I know why I was put here and why everything exists.

Hobbes:
Oh really?

Calvin:
Yes, I am here so everybody can do what I want.

Hobbes:
It’s nice to have that cleared up.

Calvin:
Once everyone accepts it, they’ll be serene too.”

🙂
(1)
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❤️🙂

"I just ordered a chicken and an egg off the internet,
to see which one comes first...
I'll keep you posted."
(5)
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I have furniture disease, my chest is in my drawers.
(4)
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❤️🙂

“Love is an inside job.”
(4)
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😉

"I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open
looking for answers."
(3)
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❤️

"That sounds really fun,
but I'm going to be busy
doing not that."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"I'd rather take coffee than compliments right now."
(0)
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😉

"I don't understand why judges get paid so much,
others judge me for free."
(2)
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😉

"The worst part about parallel parking
is the witnesses."
(4)
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😉

"You will meet 10 types of moms at your kid's school.
I'm currently avoiding 8 of them."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"The best part of waking up...
is still a mystery for me."
(2)
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❤️

"Starting tomorrow,
whatever life throws at me,
I'm ducking
so it hits someone else."
(3)
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😉

"Do it tomorrow.
You've made enough mistakes for today."
(2)
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🙂

"Life has its ups and downs.
We call them squats."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"It's so nice to relax
after walking on eggshells for so long."
(3)
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❤️

"Modesty is just one of my fantastic attributes!"
(1)
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❤️🙂

A pharmacy.
Lots of vegetables and fruits on the shelves.

A pharmacist gives lettuce to the customer:
"Take one a day with tomato and cucumber."
🙂
(0)
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❤️🙂

"The most stable thing in my life is
my breakfast routine."
(1)
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🍄

"That's what friends
are spore."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"I don't really have a plan.
I really solely on caffeine and weirdness
to get me through the day."
(1)
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❤️🙂

“You can do it”
– Coffee.
(0)
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❤️🙂

"People cheating on their taxes disgust me.
This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in..."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"There is no better feeling than
someone playing with your hair or running their fingers down your back.
Unless you thought you were alone."
(2)
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❤️🙂 

"Inhale
Exhale
=
How you'll get through it."
(2)
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❤️🙂

“A banana has 105 calories.
A shot of whiskey has 80 calories.
Choose wisely.”
(1)
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