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🙂

"Always believe
that something wonderful will probably never happen."
(3)
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🙂

"Life isn't measured by the number of breaths you take,
but by how many likes you get on your post."
(4)
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🙂

"It's never too late to fail."
(3)
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😇

"Every day is another chance
to screw everything up again."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"What doesn't kill you
slowly makes you
weaker until you die."
(4)
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😇

"Everything is
stupid and we
are all going to
die soon."
(2)
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🙃

“Try & try until you cannot succeed.”
(2)
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😇

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.”
(2)
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❤️🙂

“Not everything is a lesson. Sometimes you just fail.”
(3)
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🙂🥓🥓🥓

“May your bacon be crispy and your Monday be short.”
(3)
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❤️

"A dating website matched me up with bacon."
(2)
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🙂

"My son started playing that annoying game where he copies everything I do and say; so I brushed my teeth, folded some towels and cleaned up some toys. Follow me for more tips."
(2)
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🙂

"Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school's lost and found section."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"The most important thing I've learned in life,
and I can't stress this enough:
you gotta make a salad in a bigger
bowl than you think."
(3)
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❤️

"So much of being an adult
is just not clicking the 'Send' button."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"My wife and I have been reviewing our finances
and determined we need a sugar daddy."
(3)
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😉

"I don't know about y'all, but I don't have any more passwords left in me."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"DATING:
I can't believe we have so much in common.

MARRIAGE:
Please don't watch your stuff under my Netflix profile."
(1)
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❤️🙂

January 1st: "THIS is my year!!!"

May 1st: "Emmmm..."
(1)
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😉

“When the going gets tough,
the tough gets tougher.”
(1)
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🙂

“The worst things in your life probably haven’t happened to you yet.”
(1)
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🙂

“It is what it is.
And it’s not good.”
(1)
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❤️🙂

“I wonder if you look both ways
before getting on my nerves.”
(1)
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❤️🙂

“No matter what you’re going through, always try and help people.
Instead of saying, ‘F***k off’, ask, ‘How can I help you to f***k off?’
Be kind.”
(0)
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😇

“TEIAM — problem solved.”
(1)
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🙂

"You make me a better person of interest."
(1)
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🙂

"I wonder what the part of my brain, that used to store telephone numbers, is doing nowadays."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Security at every level of the airport is insane until you get to baggage claim. Then it’s like take whatever bag you want."
(2)
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🙂

"My wife and I are very competitive. We laugh about it, but I laugh more."
(3)
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🙂

"Teens don't know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing the wrong crap for years until the truth destroyed us."
(1)
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