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🤯

"If good things are in store for me, where is the store??"
(2)
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🤔

"Don't know what's longer:
A microwave minute
or a treadmill minute."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Website:
We use cookies to improve our performance.

Me:
Same."
(3)
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😉

"I can't believe it's already time to put off my spring cleaning until next year."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried!"
(2)
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❤️🙂🍵

"Anxietea:

What if nobody likes me?
What if I taste weird?
What if I'm too cold?
What if I'm too hot?
What if I'm just right and I can never live up to it again?"
(3)
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❤️🙂

"Why does Waldo only wear striped shirts?
Because he doesn't want to be spotted."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"Where do crayons go on holiday?
Color-ado."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"What is the color of the wind?
Blew."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"There I was about to start working out.
Next thing I knew...
I was eating a plate of bacon. True story."
(2)
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❤️

"If ever you feel down,
always remember -
You're a grown up, and
can have bacon whenever you want."
(3)
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❤️

"Does anybody wonder
why bacon comes in a resealable package?
What are people putting back in there???"
(4)
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Bundle of joy, the longer minute: When the bathroom’s occupant says “I’ll just be a minute!”
(3)
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A Mother
"There's nothing like being told I'm wrong by someone who depended on me for food, clothing, and shelter."
(4)
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On Mother's Day
A Mother asked to switch seats on a plane because she was seated next to a crying baby.
Apparently, that does not work if the baby is yours.
(5)
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On Mother's Day
It's sad when you're sitting around waiting for someone to make dinner,
and then you realize, you're are the Mom.
(5)
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Motherhood is the cinderella story in reverse.
You start out wearing the beautiful gown,
but end up cleaning everyone's messes.
(8)
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A Clean Home
If you are anything like me, and you absolutely hate having a dirty home,
especially dirty floors, I am about to give you the best advice ever.

It's not really that hard to have and maintain a clean home that meets your standards. There is just a few rules that you will have to enforce in your life.

Basically, don't ever have a husband, don't have children, don't have pets.

I know what you are thinking. I already have those things.
It is never too late to get rid of them.


.

I know, I know! Some of you won't think this is a joke.
Shame on you.
(3)
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@sendhelp... haha! I grew up an only child to a single Mom (and her 2 sisters) and our house was sterile-clean then. I have a husband, 3 (now adult) sons and a shedding dog for many years. After my sons moved out and recently my 16-yr old totally incontinent dog laid to rest, I still can't believe that my house stays clean for 2 days in a row now! Back during the chaos of raising kids, I never cleaned my house until *after* the guests left! My eldest lived with us after high school and worked in landscaping. I never allowed him to enter the house wearing his work clothes or boots. He had to hose them off outside before I'd even allow him to put them in my washer. We secretly called him Pigpen.
(3)
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Geaton,
The funniest stories are real.
(2)
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We’re a family of longhairs so much of my cleaning involves wrangling tumbleweeds of human, dog and cat hair. The rolling brush on the vacuum looks like a giant hair curler.
(2)
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Anabanana ,

Does the vacuum roller break , get stuck?
I have to take mine apart every so often . My daughter’s long hair would wrap around the ends so the brush wouldn’t turn .
(1)
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Way, I have a Dyson Animal, which disassembles conveniently for cleaning. Or I get thin scissors in the groove of the roller and cut it out. Longest hair is now a tie between my elder daughter and my husband. Both past their waists. We cut and donate once in a while.
(3)
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The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have started asking humans to prove they aren't a robot
(10)
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So it's settled: I have all the responsibility, and you have all the freaking nerve
(7)
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I have been to the top of Mount Everest several times. I was sitting on my sofa, watching TV.
(2)
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Young at heart, old everywhere else
(8)
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It was my birthday and I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room, let them fight it out.
(3)
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There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
(3)
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🤓

“Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.”
(2)
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