mrsribit Posted August 2012
Jokes needed to lighten our day. Enter at your own risk!
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“When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.”
“They say the universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.”
“Little toe: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”
“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”
“Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.”
“I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I’ll use it.”
“If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?”
“I’m actually writing a short-story about a photographer who went completely insane trying to take a close up photo of the horizon.”
“I have a watch that’s 3 hours in advance, but I’ve never been able to fix it. So I moved from LA to NY.”
“Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.”
“I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I’ll use it.”
My elderly great aunt, a prim and interesting character, used to invoke sympathy by telling how she’d been widowed three times. Her first husband got food poisoning from a tuna sandwich. Her second husband got food poisoning from a tuna sandwich.
“What an awful coincidence! And your third husband?”
He died of a blow to the head after refusing to eat his tuna sandwich.
She loved to occasionally shock people and watch their reactions. She was a bit like Ruth Gordon in Harold and Maude.
“Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”
“What are you supposed to do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?”
Stay out of danger!
"How do you get off a non-stop flight?"
Ask the stewardess: "Has this plane ever been to Cuba?"
They will land at the nearest airport.
“My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”
“Why are there five syllables in the word ‘monosyllabic’?”
Because you are mispronouncing it.
The "a" is not pronounced, so is not a syllable.
Silly, huh?
“If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?”
Man:
So I'm lying there, and she says to me, "Let me ask you this -"
And I said, "What?"
And she said, "If could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"
And I said, "No."
She said, "Forget it then."
"Best lie you heard was
eat all your food so you can be big and strong...
...now look at you...
...just big."
"A recent study has found that
women who carry a little extra weight
live longer than the men who mention it."
"I hate when
a couple argues in public
and I missed the beginning
and don't know whose side I'm on."
"Does not play well with stupid people."
"No, no, I'm listening. It just takes me a minute to process so much stupid all at once."
"Verdict:
You're a moron."
"Most people don't act stupid...it's the real thing."
"I save my carbs for alcohol.
It's called prioritizing."