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😋

"Why can't I be comforted by carrots? Why does it have to be chocolate and donuts?"
(5)
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🦷🦷🦷

"Dear Colgate,

Now that you have added salt and lemon,
let us know when you add tequila,
so we can brush 6 times a day."
(2)
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🤓

"I plan to be spontaneous tomorrow."
(2)
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😉

"Never sign up for a class called 'Boot Camp'!
It has nothing to do with shoe shopping!"
(3)
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😉

"Why do we feel safer under blankets?
It's not like a murderer will come in thinking,
'I'm gonna ki -- ...ah damn! She's under a blanket!'"
(4)
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❤️🙂

"I'm not saying you're stupid.
I'm just saying you've got bad luck
when it comes to thinking."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"Boys will never understand
the struggle of long hair & lip gloss
on a windy day."
(5)
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❤️❤️❤️

"Sometimes the weight you need to lose
isn't on your body."
(4)
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They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you... but mine just points and laughs.
(4)
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🤪

“Never mind beauty sleep.
I want skinny sleep.”
(5)
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😉

"Whenever I'm feeling fat, I try not to stress about it
and just keep my chins up."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"If alcohol kills germs
and laughter is the best medicine,
I'm the healthiest person on the planet."
(2)
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❤️

“Desperate times called,
they want their desperate measures back.”
(3)
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😜🥺🤪🥸🤩

“You know you’re desperate for an answer…
when you look at the second page of google.”
(2)
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🌸🏖🌸

“In desperate need of a full body massage, $1 million and a trip to the Bahamas.”
(2)
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🤓

SEX!!!!!!

Now that I’ve got your attention…
SMILE and have the best day possible…

❤️🙂
(1)
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🦷🦷🦷

"It's not my fault that I forget to floss.
My wisdom teeth aren't as smart as yours!"
(1)
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❤️

“If you don’t start out the day with a smile, it’s not too late to start practicing for tomorrow.”
(3)
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🙂🙂🙂

“Smile – sunshine is good for your teeth.”
(3)
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Arguing with a stupid person just makes two
(4)
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Someone needs to sue the maker of “Thin Mints” for false advertising. I’ve been eating box after box and not getting any thinner
(5)
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😉🙃

“I’m fat but identify as skinny.
I’m trans-slender.”
(3)
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😉🙃

“I want something to moti-weight me.”
(1)
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😉🙃

“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
(1)
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😇

“Life is too short. Don’t waste it removing pen drive safely.”
(1)
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🤓

“A black cat is more efficient than a red light.”
(1)
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❤️🙂

“My brain cells, skin cells and hair cells continue to die…
But my stubborn fat cells seem to have eternal life.”
(1)
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❤️🙂

“There is no
chocoholics anonymous
because no one wants to quit.”
(1)
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😉

“Stress wouldn’t be so hard to take if it was covered in delicious chocolate.”
(1)
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😇🥰

“I’m the type of person who would thrive in solitary confinement.”
(2)
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