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😉

"When you're fatigued because of your depression
but can't sleep because of your anxiety."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"You are what you eat."

I don't remember eating anxiety and back pain, but okay.
(4)
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❤️🙂

"If I was accidentally weird to you once
just know I will be thinking about it every night
for the next 50 years."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"Next week has been exhausting."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"Short answer: no. Long answer: noooooooooo."
(4)
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❤️🙂

"Which essential oil is best for
getting people to stop talking to you?"
(1)
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🙂

"My 5-year plan
is to make it through this year."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"We DO NOT throw away perfectly good food in this house.
We put the left-overs in Tupperware,
put the Tupperware in the fridge,
let it go bad, THEN throw it out."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"When you gotta delete your post
because you're just not the same
person you were 6 minutes ago."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"I'm really a very pleasant person to be around,
unless I'm hungry, tired, hot, cold, thirsty, anxious, or dealing with idiots."
(0)
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🙂🥺

"When I offer you food, it's only because I was raised right.
As my friend, please read the truth in my eyes and politely decline."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"Me yelling at squirrels in the street to move so they don't die
is probably the same feeling God has watching me live my life most days."
(2)
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❤️

I'm gonna have a positive attitude today.
*me 5 minutes into the day*
I have contained my rage for as long as possible.
(1)
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❤️🙂

"I need at least 70 days notice to do something."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"I heard the government is putting chips inside of people.
I hope I get Doritos."
(4)
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❤️🙂

"I hate it when I have finally have the laundry caught up,
then I see my family walking around in clothes."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"HR:
Did you call an employee stupid?

Me:
No, I asked if he was stupid."
(5)
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❤️🙂

"That depressing moment when
you dip your cookie into milk for too long, it breaks off,
and you wonder why bad things happen to good people."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"Having thick thighs means
you can hold more puppies on your lap,
so who's the real winner here?"
(3)
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❤️🙂

"You seem to be on your own path.
Unfortunately, there's a 'socio' in front of it."
(2)
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❤️🙂

And now for my next trick
*waves hand*
I'll turn my stress and anxiety into body fat.
(2)
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🤓

"I had a date last night.
I really enjoyed it.
So tonight I'm going to
try a fig."
(4)
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🙋

"Raise your hand if
you try to breathe quieter
while walking up a hill
so bystanders don't
hear you fighting for
your life."
(2)
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I know a guy who had his nose broken in two places. He ought to stay out of those places.
(5)
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While driving I had an accident with magician. It wasn't my fault, the guy came out of nowhere.
(6)
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A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the look out for sixteen hardened criminals.
(7)
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❤️🙂

"I need one of those Kim Kardashian jobs
where they pay me to exist."
(0)
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❤️🙂

"I'm naturally irritated when I first wake up.
You just have to give me a few days to adjust."
(1)
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😉

"Be patient with me, I'm somewhere between
losing my mind and finding my soul. 🦋"
(1)
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😉

"My stress stresses me out
to the point that I'm too stressed to deal with the stress."
(0)
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