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"Your fear of looking stupid
is wasting too much time."
(1)
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"Title of book:

How to Avoid Everything
--Irresponsibility Made Easy"
(1)
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"Nothing messes up your Friday more
than realizing it's Tuesday."
(1)
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"Dentist (noun):
Similar to parents, but they criticize your teeth instead of your lifestyle."
(2)
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"Flashlight (noun):
A container for dead batteries."
(2)
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"Morning (noun):
The time when the bed has more gravity."
(2)
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"Procrastinate (verb):
What you are doing right now. Get going and finish what you need to do."
(2)
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"Junk (noun):
Something you keep for years and then throw away one week before you need it."
(2)
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"Cupcake (noun):
A muffin with low self-esteem."
(3)
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"Dry Clean Only (adjective):
This will never get washed. Ever."
(2)
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"At least it can't get any worse (phrase):
What you say to challenge the universe into making your day even more terrible than it already is."
(1)
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"Hungry (adjective):
Something that only happens after brushing your teeth."
(1)
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"Going to bed (phrase):
Shutting down laptop and using your phone in bed."
(1)
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"I'm 300% done with today
and like 68% done with tomorrow already."
(3)
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"K."

Well, potassium to you too.
(3)
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The real reason many men don't live long after retiring

"Well, after just a week at home, I've come up with a comprehensive list on how to do things more efficiently around here, honey"
(5)
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Men are better than women… But how important is parallel parking anyway?
(3)
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My father thought parallel parking was the most important thing learning to drive . I don’t know why , I grew up in the suburbs. Anyway, I could probably parallel park a bus if I had to .
(2)
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When I took my driving test, nobody had thought to teach me how to parallel park, probably because they didn't know how, the instructor walked me through it and I smashed it, still use his advice to this day but, he very seriously asked me, "Young lady if you go downtown and there are no spaces to park besides parallel, what are you going to do?" Being 16, living in Vegas, I promptly responded, "I will valet! Duh!"

It is a great skill to have that translates into other abilities behind the wheel. (Parallel parking, not valet. :-) I am a firm believer that everyone should know where the perimeters of their vehicle are and parallel parking makes you know.
(4)
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My Dad was the same way about knowing where the perimeters of your car were. Most people may bring orange cones along to practice parallel parking . My father was the cone !! He also put a quarter on the driveway and I had to park the tire on the quarter without hitting the garage door . And also did that in the garage without hitting the back wall. Forwards and reverse. He was crazy !! But I can park !!

I learned to drive in a long station wagon .
(4)
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Way, I learned in a 1980s Lincoln Towne car, we called it the boat it was so big.

Glad I did, I can drive big rigs because of my driving trials in that monster of a car.

Your dad did right by you, we are operating lethal weapons after all, we should know where every part is.
(5)
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Isthisreal. Lol, my 1973 station wagon was green , my boyfriend ( now DH ) called it the tank . I drove that thing all through college .

My DH is terrible at parallel parking. He uses valets or finds parking garages in cities .
(5)
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😉

One big difference between men and women

is that if a woman says, “Smell this!”, it actually smells NICE.
(5)
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😉

How to please a woman:
Love her
Die for her
Take her to dinner
Miss the game for her
Buy her jewelry
Be interested in what she has to say…

How to please a man:
Show up naked.
Bring beer.
(6)
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“A man without a woman is a bachelor. A woman without a man is a genius.”
(3)
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“Women worry about the things that men forget. Men worry about the things that women remember.”
(7)
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How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
(5)
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My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids. But by then, it was too late.
(6)
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I have given up on my stand up comedy routines. Everybody just keeps laughing at me.
(4)
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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family… in another city!
(5)
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