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Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment.
(7)
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❤️🙂

"So awkward when you meet someone you've stalked
and don't know whether to play it cool
or ask whether they enjoyed Tahiti in 2011."
(1)
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My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine..
(5)
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For years I've been getting a ringing in my ears. It's getting worse, now I'm getting busy signals - RD
(7)
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I grew up in a mobile home, when I was a kid, I ran away from home, and it followed me.
(6)
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We sleep in separate rooms; we have dinner apart; we take separate vacations. We're doing everything to we can to keep our marriage together.
(7)
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Before I got married, my wife told me, "Don't talk about sex until we get married." We got married and she said, "Now, you can talk about it all you want."
(4)
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“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”
(7)
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❤️🙂

"Okay. So I danced like no one was watching.
My court date is pending."
(4)
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❤️🙂

“These weekends are starting to feel like a thirty-minute lunch break.”
(4)
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❤️🙂

“Nothing brightens up a room
like your absence.”
(4)
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❤️🙂

“I’m like a kitten. I need attention and I need to curl up next to you and I need you to pet me and tell me I’m cute.”
(4)
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❤️🙂

“Sometimes you just need to lie on the floor and do nothing for three years.”
(3)
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🙂

"I came
I saw
I left early."
(2)
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🙂

"Excuse me, I know this is hell, but may I ask which floor?"
(2)
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😉 i found my new motto! :)

"I'm not late. I'm just early for tomorrow."
(2)
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❤️🙂

“I think I'm in a love triangle.
I love myself.
Myself loves me.
Me loves I."
(2)
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🙂

"Childhood injuries:
fell off my bike
fell out of a tree
twisted my ankle

Adult injuries:
slept wrong
sat down too long
sneezed too hard."
(3)
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😉

"I have terrible ideas
if you need any."
(3)
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“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck
(4)
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I tell ya, I got no sex life. My dog watched me in the bed room, to learn how to beg. He also taught my wife how to roll over and play dead. RD.
(3)
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When I was kid I got no respect. I worked in a pet store.
People kept askin' how big I'd get. RD
(2)
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I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it,
(3)
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F whole-grain cereal. When I want fiber, I eat some wicker furniture.
(4)
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I finally have a dental plan. I chew on the other side.
(4)
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🤪

“My attitude has an attitude.”
(3)
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😉

“If you ever need nothing
I’m here for you.”
(3)
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🤓

“My spirit animal would eat your sprit animal.”
(1)
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🙂

“My life is a constant panic attack occasionally interrupted by a sandwich.”
(2)
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😴

Lying in bed:
"Aaaaah, time to think about what I should have said in every conversation today."
(3)
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