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😉

"I woke up tired about 3 years ago and I have never really recovered since."
(2)
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🙂

“Anyone else reach that age where you gain weight if you breathe?"
(1)
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🙂 joan benoit won gold at the first women's marathon in the olympics, LA 1984. she spoke about her life:

“Often times I put my career in two segments, B.C. and A.D. -
before children and after diapers."
(1)
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🙂

"Lawyer (noun):
a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a 'brief'."
(2)
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🙂

"Future lawyer (noun):
already argues like one,
soon you'll get paid for it."
(1)
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😉

"I may have Alzheimer's
but at least I don't have Alzheimer's."
(1)
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😉

"How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side."
(1)
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😉

"A very unhappy, elderly person at the doctor's office.

Doctor:
Remember those extra 20 years you added to your life through clean, healthy living? - Well, these are them."
(2)
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😎

"I'm not prejudiced; I hate everyone equally."
(0)
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❤️ pick-up line...

"What time do you have to be back in heaven?"
(1)
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😉

"I wanted to do panic buying, I checked my account...I can only panic."
(3)
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❤️🙂🐈

"Cat:
I sleep with one paw out. You may kiss it as a sign of your allegiance and subordination to me."
(1)
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❤️🙂

"I've got two wonderful children -
and two out of five isn't so bad."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"Addicted to all the wrong things."
(2)
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❤️🙂🐈

"A man peacefully sleeping in bed.

Cat:
Is he dead?
I better walk on his face and find out."
(2)
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🙃

“Feeling a little sick.
Better look up my symptoms online.
I have brain cancer.”
(1)
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❤️🙂

“I started the day with lots of problems.
But now, after hours and hours of work,
I have lots of problems in a spreadsheet.”
(1)
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❤️🙂

“Fries or salad?”
Sums up every adult decision you have to make.
(0)
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🙂🙂

List of things I'm handling well currently.
1.
(1)
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❤️🙂🐈

Cat holding up a sign:
"Friends don't let friends get a DOG!"
(2)
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❤️🙂🐈

"Keep calm
&
meow on."
(2)
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🙂🙂🐈

"Let's face it,
I was crazy
before the cats."
(3)
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Self esteem is overrated.

We are not all bad.

Just badly misinformed about how good we are.
(3)
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😉

"Man to a woman:
Forget the past, you can't change it.
Forget the present, I didn't get you one."
(3)
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😉

"The window today.
That's enough social interaction."
(1)
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😉

"It's not that I don't like you...
Oh wait, yes, yes it is."
(1)
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😉

"I can't have kids,
my cat is allergic."
(2)
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❤️🙂🐈

“Cats never listen. They’re dependable that way; when Rome burned, the emperor’s cats still expected to be fed on time.”
(3)
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My son-in-law took his 5-year-old son with him to the mailbox and the boy asked his dad, "Anything for me?"
Dad said, "No, just a bunch of bills."
The son asked, "Who's Bill?"
(3)
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😬

“Looks like I’m thinking,
but really it’s allergies.”
(2)
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