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❤️

"What state do you live in?'"

Constant anxiety.
(1)
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❤️

Anxiety:
Beware.

Me:
?? Can you be more specific?

Anxiety:
:)
(0)
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❤️🙂

"I'll get over it.
I just gotta be dramatic first."
(2)
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🙂

"I'm not sure about an inner child,
but I have an inner idiot who surfaces every now and then."
(1)
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🙂

"One minute you're young and cool,
maybe even a little dangerous,
and the next minute you're reading amazon reviews for birdseed."
(1)
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😉

"Listen, being the family disappointment is a tough job,
but someone has to step up
and take one for the team."
(2)
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❤️🙂

"I don't know how much coffee you had,
but you're at a 10,
and I'm gonna need you at a 3."
(2)
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😉

"For me, being 'chill' is getting to the airport 3 hours before take-off, so I can sit in a restaurant directly across from my gate and be anxious about missing my flight from there."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"Due to the massive increase in deliveries,
FedEx and UPS have joined forces
and are now Fed-Up."
(6)
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“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
(5)
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😉

"Yeah I'm a pacifist.
I'm about to pass a fist
across his face."
(3)
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❤️🙂

"Still waiting for that fairytale scene
where the animals clean everything for me."
(3)
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❤️

"Follows diet.
Diet doesn't follow back.
Unfollows diet."
(4)
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❤️😎

A couple getting married.

Priest:
Do you take this optometrist for better or for worse? Better?...Worse?...Better?
(3)
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Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov
(5)
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A group of gal-friends, 40s, were deciding where they would have dinner for their annual meetup. They decided on dinner at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there wore tight pants and were cute.
10 years later, the friends, now in their 50s had to again decide on the place for reunion, and again chose the Ocean View, this time because the food was great, and they liked the wine selection.
10 years later, now 60s, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Why not the Ocean View? They could eat in peace and quiet, and the view of the water made the place so serene.
Sure enough, time went flying by and at 70 the "girls" chose the Ocean View. Wheel chair accessible, and they'd just put in that new elevator.
Alas, another decade passed, and at 80 there they were, with yet another decision to make about where to have dinner.
They decided on the Ocean View because none of them had ever been there.

It's long, and it's stolen, but that just makes it all the more "me".
(8)
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Alva.

Cute joke! 😊
(4)
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❤️🙂 goooood morning!

“They say you slow down as you get older. I guess that’s true. These days it takes me twice as long to do nothing.”
(3)
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🤮🤯😡

"I'm NOT stressed.
I'm relaxationally-challenged."
(3)
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🤮🤯😡

Person: Hey what's up?

Me: My stress levels.
(2)
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😉

"Even my aches and pains have aches and pains."
(3)
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🤔

"Stress balls really work
when you shove them down someone's throat."
(1)
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❤️

I never finish anythi
(3)
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❤️

"PEOPLE...
not a big fan."
(2)
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❤️🙂

My personal style is best described as
"didn't expect to get out of the car".
(2)
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❤️

"When you feel the wind blowing through your hair,
it's time to shave your legs."
(3)
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❤️😇

"My 4 moods:
1.I need coffee
2.I need a nap
3.I need a vacation
4.I need duct tape, rope and a shovel."
(1)
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😎😎

"I'd like to have my cake and eat it too.
I'd also like to have your cake and eat it too."
(2)
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😎

"It takes me like 3 days to wake up in the morning."
(2)
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😉

"The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years
despite not having brains
is great news for you."
(2)
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