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🙂🙂

"I've been watching my weight.
It's still there."
(4)
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🙂🙂

"Being abducted by aliens
might just be the vacation I need at this point."
(4)
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🙂🙂

"How many times do you have to click 'I accept cookies'
before they send you the cookies?"
(3)
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🙂🙂

"Can we just admit
we may have taken this
'anyone can grow up to become President' thing
just a bit too far?"
(4)
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❤️🙂

"Shoutout to everyone
who got through the day without taking a nap.
Pulled an all-dayer today. Pretty tough."
(4)
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❤️🙂

"I decided to kill off a few characters
in the book I'm writing.
I feel it will really spice up my autobiography."
(3)
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😉

"Is a rivalry between two vegetarians
still called a beef?"
(2)
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❤️

"It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is,
you're supposed to pick one of your own.
I know that now."
(3)
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❤️

"There should be a summer camp for adults
where you just go and sleep for 3 weeks."
(3)
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😉

"I'm wondering how to comb my hair
so the horns don't show."
(3)
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❤️

"Not everyone is going to think you're
gorgeous, amazing and magical.
They're wrong though.
Jerks."
(2)
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Don’t
Grow Up
It’s
A Trap
(5)
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❤️

"How to keep up with laundry:
1. You can't
2. Find a new dream"
(3)
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😉

"Take my advice.
I'm not using it."
(3)
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If you think aging turns us into “Sweet Old Ladies”

That would be your first mistake
(3)
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I am at the age where I do this thing called, “Whatever I want” and I love it!
(4)
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The older I get, Darn, I forgot what I was going to say, but you would’ve loved it.
(3)
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If you want a profound conversation, then speak to a child.
(3)
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I don’t know how to act my age. I’ve never been this age before.
(7)
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Both optimists and pessimists
contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane, the pessimist the parachute.

George Bernard Shaw
(5)
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🙂🙂

"To whoever has my voodoo doll:
Take some of the stuffing out,
I'm trying to lose weight!
Thanks a lot!"
(4)
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My boss told me to have a good day…

So I went home
(2)
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Women are angels and when someone breaks our wings…

We still fly on a broomstick because…

We are flexible like that!
(4)
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Lord, it’s me

Can do do me a favor?

Can you close your eyes for a second?

While I deal with this problem
(3)
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I don’t need you to think like me…

Just Think!
(4)
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Those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it.

Those who do study history are doomed to stand by helplessly and watch everyone else repeat it!
(4)
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So, you’re 96 and still don’t need glasses?

No dear, I drink straight from the bottle!
(4)
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Everything happens for a reason…

Sometimes the reason is you’re stupid, and make bad decisions.
(2)
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Why does toilet paper need a commercial?

Who is not buying this stuff?
(4)
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My blood type is coffee.
(1)
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