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🤯

"Sometimes getting out of bed
just ruins the whole day."
(2)
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😊😊

"Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat...
The government hates competition."
(3)
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😊😊😇😇

Have you ever had one of those days,
when you're holding a stick
and everybody looks like a piñata?
(3)
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😊😊😘😘

How to win an argument:

1. Be a woman
2. That's it
3. You win
4. Congratulations
(1)
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😊

MEN struation
MEN opause
MEN tal breakdowns

See? Most of women's problems begin with MEN.
(2)
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🤓🤓

"Note to self:
It is illegal to stab people for being stupid."
(0)
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🤓🤓

"I hate when you have to
BE NICE
to someone you really want to throw a brick at."
(0)
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😉

"Do you ever notice that people would rather stop speaking to you
instead of apologizing when they are wrong?"
(3)
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🤯

"I took the road less travelled.
Now I don't know where the f****k I am."
(4)
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🤓

"After a year in therapy,
my psychiatrist said to me,
'Maybe life isn't for everyone.'"
(1)
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😉

"Many people don't know this
but you can read something you disagree with on the internet
and just move on with your life."
(3)
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“I don’t need to rephrase my question. I’m speaking English!”

Judge Judy
(2)
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“I want first time offenders to think of their first time experience in my courtroom as being the second worst experience in their lives. Circumcision was the first!”

Judge Judy
(1)
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Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes, that way you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Jack Handey
(6)
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Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.

Mark Twain
(4)
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Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

Anonymous
(5)
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🙂🙂

"I didn't sleep much
but I got a few solid hours of worrying done."
(2)
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Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that is troublesome.

Issac Asimov
(1)
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People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

Issac Asimov
(3)
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘chocolate’ and I’ll turn around.
(2)
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If you want the best seat in the house, you’ll have to move the dog.
(2)
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🙂🙂

"How can I get 8 hours of sleep
in 3 hours."
(2)
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🙂🙂🤯🤯

"Welcome! Today's specials are:
Lack of sleep
Up too early
and Low on patience

Thank you. Please come again."
(1)
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🙂🙂🤯🤯

"Please hold
...I suddenly have to go bang my head against a wall."
(1)
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🙂🙂 on a cremation urn:

“Reincarnating… I’ll be right back.”
(3)
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You can’t believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it.
(3)
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🙄

“Your problem is
not knowing you’re the problem.”
(1)
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🙄🌸

“Sometimes I look at you and wonder…
Why has no one hit you with a brick?!”
(2)
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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Woody Allen
(2)
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Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

Lily Tomlin
(4)
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