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🤓😘

“If there’s anything I can do for you,
don’t hesitate to keep it to yourself.”
(2)
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If you’re all wrapped up in yourself then you’re overdressed.
(4)
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My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.
(3)
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Make yourself at home, clean the kitchen!
(3)
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My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was sixty. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no idea where he is.
(6)
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The right to be heard does not give your the right to be taken seriously.
(4)
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My mind not only wonders, sometimes it completely leaves.
(3)
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If you have an opinion about my life raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.
(6)
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Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
(4)
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I remember years ago when all I ever wanted was to be older. I was wrong!!!
(3)
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Listen, smile, agree…

Then do whatever you were going to do anyway.
(4)
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Childhood Injuries:

Fell off a bike
Fell out of a tree
Twisted my ankle

Adult Injuries:

Slept wrong
Sat too long
Sneezed too hard
(5)
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Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I am ducking so it hits someone else.
(4)
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If you’re going through hell, keep going.

Winston Churchill
(4)
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If it’s free, it’s advice. If you pay for it, it’s counseling; if you can use either one, it’s a miracle.

Jack Adams
(3)
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This too shall pass…

It may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.
(5)
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Sometimes I get road rage just pushing a cart in the supermarket.
(4)
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I wasn’t being rude. I just said what everyone else was thinking.
(3)
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You stabbed me and then pretended that you were the one who was bleeding.
(3)
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Hold it right there…

No one wants a ticket to your sh*t show.
(1)
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There are no stupid questions…

but some come pretty close
(2)
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🙄😉

“I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.”
(6)
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❤️

Irony is when someone writes
“Your an idiot.”
(2)
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❤️

“How do you keep an idiot in suspense?…”
(3)
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🙄🙄

“VERDICT:
You’re a moron.”
(0)
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🙄🤪

“I thought of you today


when someone asked, ‘How stupid can one person be?’”
(2)
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🙄😜

“Making sense just isn’t your thing…is it?”
(2)
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❤️

How to tell someone their breath stinks without hurting their feelings:

“Well, I’m bored. Let’s go brush our teeth.”
(5)
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😘

“You sound better with your mouth closed.”
(0)
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❤️🏖

“Don’t
quit
your
day
dream.”
(2)
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