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Always be nice to your children, because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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When I was a kid I asked my dad if I could go ice skating. He told me to wait until it gets warmer. RD
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I don't get no respect. A girl phone and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home. RD
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - RD
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. - RD
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I have a new girlfriend. Thankfully, she loves me for my money and my fame. Not for who I am. - RD
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I was making love with my wife, and she had a faraway look in her eyes.
I said, ‘Darling, is there someone else?’ and she said, ‘There must be.’  - RD
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I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning I get up, look in the mirror and feel like throwing up; what’s wrong with me?” He said “I don’t know But your eyesight is perfect.” - RD
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My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal - RD
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What do I love more than eating?
Over-eating! :)
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Being lazy is a full-time job. it barely leaves me time for my hobbies.

Like dozing and napping.
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The early worm gets eaten.
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Whenever I’m about to give up, I remind myself the world would be a better place without me and I simply cannot let that happen.
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Always believe that something wonderful could never happen.
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Even if you change the world, it doesn't mean it won't change right back.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg - RD.
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I broke my finger last week, on the other hand, I'm okay. - silly
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“If you eat too many cookies, you’ll get sick.”

A fascinating postulation.

I must put that theory to the test.
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Raise your hand if you have had quite enough unsolicited advice about what should be done with any lemons that life may or may not give you.
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The meaning of life is to find your gift. So good luck with that.
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Just because we accept you as you are doesn’t mean we’ve abandoned hope you’ll improve.
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If you never try anything new, you’ll miss out on many of life’s great disappointments.
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If life doesn’t break you today, don’t worry. It will try again tomorrow.
:)
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If no one from the future came to stop you, how bad can it be?
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Unless, Venting, it was so bad there is <ominous sting> no future!
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;)
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Funny, isn't it, how quickly the future becomes the past.
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“Let me call you right back.”

Translation:
Enjoy the rest of your day.
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Don’t judge me until you’ve flown a mile on my broom.
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Alexa, delete my belly.
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