I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
A quote from Woody Allen: The lion and the lamb shall lie down together. But the lamb won't sleep for long.
A quote from a novelist I’ve never heard of: “There are times when parenthood seems to be feeding the mouth that bites you”.
It's the law.
"That sounds like a fair trade".
"Simply because you're near me...
"Funny, but..."
Say, you DO have a funny butt!
"Auto-correct has become my worst enema."
"It's there, the yellow bottle."
"No, I need another one."
"Why?"
"It's written 'for dry hair' and mine is already wet."
*crickets chirp*
Sheesh, tough croud
Pessimist: the glass is half empty
Mother: how many times I need to tell you to use a coaster??
there so stupid.
She is now decalfinated!
I guess she is not feline well?
Two canibals hunting in a wood.
They only manage to catch one man between them.
Man gets boiled up in the pot and they agree to share him.
First one started at the foot and when he got to the ankle he said to the other one,
"How you doing?"
Second one said,
"I'm having a ball"
First one said, "You're eating too fast!"
Which is closer, New York or the moon?
Blonde 2 says ‘duh.. you can see the moon!’.
Jean Colbert, Minister of Finances in France, said “The art of taxation is to pluck the goose to get the most feathers with the least hissing”.
From Mark Twain: “Dear reader, suppose you are an idiot; then suppose you are a member of Congress: but I repeat myself...”.
A quote from Calvin Coolidge (put together a la Singing in the Rain): “Nothing I never said ever harmed me”.
The blonde went to spend some days at her friends house. Showering the first day, she asked for some shampoo.
"It's there, the yellow bottle."
"No, I need another one."
"Why?"
"It's written 'for dry hair' and mine is already wet."
Russian citizen during the days of the USSR: "We pretend to work and they pretend to pay us."
The first bought her a huge house.
The second was not called Lloyd, but bought her a Mercedes-Benz.
The third remembered her faith and devotion, and how she was complaining about not being able to read the Bible no more. So, he bought a rare parrot, and hired monks to teach it to repeat Scripture. In the end, he spent more than the other two. We’re talking eight digits here.
After two months, they asked her what gift she liked the most.
“John. Do you think in my age I have energy to clean that house, or to manage all the workers needed to run it? Not to mention how expensive it is. No, I’d rather be on a simple room-and-bathroom studio.”
“Daisy. I can barely see, what do you think I would do with a car? It’s collecting dust and I still need a cab or lift to go around.”
“Mike, you’re the only one who really thought about me. That chicken was delicious.”
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied,
"Yep, none of us could get the jar open."