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“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.”
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“Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!”
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“Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn’t allow it. 4:00, wallow in self-pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, Jazzercise; 6:30, dinner with me — I can’t cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing...I’m booked.”
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“From the ages of 8-18, my family and I moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
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“I’m not crazy — I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 60 years.”
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“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.”
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“I got help for my ATM addiction, but went through withdrawals first.“
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🙂 “I always pronounce one word wrong. Wrong.”
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“I have a memory like an elephant. In fact, elephants often consult me.”
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“Choosing a dog may be the only chance you get to pick a relative.”
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"It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs."
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"Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes."
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"Somebody stole my mood ring, and I don't know how I feel about that."
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"A duck's opinion of you is directly correlated to whether or not you have bread."
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🙂 "Anytime I see an autobiography on the shelf I just skip to the about the author section."
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If you got every human on the Planet to join hands in a line around the equator, most of them would drown.
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You can observe a lot by just watching.
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No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.
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Pair up in threes.
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After accomplishing a goal just look around to see whether you lost something or someone.
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If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
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If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
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Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
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My biggest issue with meetings is that, despite their name, they are rarely about me.
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Sorry, I’m late! 
Traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past five years and I was not expecting that.
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Eyelashes are supposed to keep things from getting into your eyes. But the only thing that keeps getting into my eyes are eyelashes.

It’s eye-ronic.
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Without music, car rides would be really awkward.
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Chemists 🥰
have all the solutions of course.
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I made a chemistry joke.
There was no reaction.
🥺
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There are three sorts of lawyers – able, unable and lamentable.
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