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After almost a week caring for my mother, I am on my way home.
Funny thing is, the lady at my side in the 2+ hour bus trip spent the whole time texting and trying to shield her phone from me.
As if! As if I had any interest on that Carla that is dating the higher ups to get a promotion ahead of her, or if Prissy will finally break up with Max, leaving him free to Jane try her luck, nor if her father is spending all his retirement money at that Bingo Club.
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My husband has trouble controlling his hands and grabbing things. One day while I was fixing him up in his bed, he grabbed a breast. I said "you don't have any trouble getting to these" and we laughed.
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What do you call a preacher in Berlin?

A German Shepherd.
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Longish :)

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said
"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. 

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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Miscellaneous quotes:

Shakespeare: “brevity is the soul of wit”. Dorothy Parker: “brevity is the soul of lingerie”.

A quote from a totally correct novelist I’ve never heard of: “Progress would be wonderful, if only it would stop!”

A quote from Damon Runyon: “The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that’s the way to place the bet”.
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Somebody said, "I don't always get what I want, but I always get what I get."
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The other day my husband called his caregiver "Rabbi". (We are not Jewish...)
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It was a cold winter evening:
A wife send her husband an sms "Windows frozen".

The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife:
"Well that did't work, the computer is completely kaput now".
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Life is short, smile while you still have teeth and
always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
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Political correctness gone too far.

Tip, tap, tip, tap,
who’s eating my lactose-free, vegan, gluten-free, bio, Fairtrade house? – Janice, 573, Evil Witch Keeping Up With the Times
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That money talks, I'll not deny,
I heard it once
It said, "Goodbye"

Richard Armour
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I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus.
That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
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We may not get what we want.....
we may not get what we need.....

but may we NEVER get what we deserve.
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Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was funny?
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette all enter the
International Breast Stroke Swim across the English Channel.
After about 8 hours, the brunette makes it across, followed shortly by the redhead.
No sign of the blonde.
After 12 hours they decide they'd better go look for her when she pretty much washes up on shore.
They rush over to her and wrap her in warm blankets and give her a hot drink.

After a few minutes, she is breathing easier and says, "I don't like to tattle, but I think those other ladies were using their arms!"
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Death: It's your time. give me your hand
Blonde: No! i know that if i dont touch you then I'll never die!
Death: Holy mollie! You figured out the key to living forever! You're soooo smart! High five!
Blonde: *high fives*
Death: Hahahahaha
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You know how when you buy bagged salad it turns brown & mushy on you?

Cookies never treat you like that.
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Here's a joke for all of you mind readers out there ...
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5 reasons why we procrastinate:
1 -
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As a kid, did you ever knock on people's doors and run away before they answered? Well, guess what? UPS is hiring!
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FrazzledMama: Yes, that was done on May Day, which was May 1. People hung May Baskets constructed out of crepe paper covered small baskets filled with flowers or candy and hung on random peoples' front doors. Not really a joke, but true. I should have put one on my ex husband's door filled with rocks since he was a very bad man.
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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
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How do you get an elephant into a Safeway grocery sack?







Answer is not for the faint of heart continue at own risk




First, take the "S" out of the word "Safe" then you take the "F" out of the word "way"......

(There's no "F" -in-way)


I hope that wasn't too crude for anyone, this one was told to me by a proud 10 year old who heard it from friends at school... {facepalms}
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I use the internet to tell me what the weather's like.
How do you do that?
I carry my laptop outside and if it gets wet, I know it's raining!
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I like this one, but maaaaaay not be for everyone.


So, three missionaries were caught by an isolated tribe, and the chief went to talk with then:
“I am really tired of you thinking only you are the civilized and looking down at us. I will make a deal. Each of you can ask for one thing. Anything. If we can’t provide it, you are free to go. Otherwise, we’ll skin you alive and make a canoe with your skin.”
The first one, a car enthusiast, went ahead:
“In that case, I want an Aston-Martin DBR1 from 1956.”
“The one that won the 1959 Le Mans race?” asked the chief.
“huh…” the missionary got a bit worried.
“The one they only made five of it?”
“Y-yeah.”
The chief turned to a warrior.
“Go get one DBR1. Wait. Do you want the black or green? Green is more traditional, right? Bring on the green.”
The famous car was the last thing the missionary saw before becoming a canoe.

The second one gulped but tried his luck.
“I want… hah! I want the Shroud of Turin! Hah!”
The chief turned to another warrior.
“Go to the sacred cloths closet and bring the Turin one.”
In a matter of minutes, it was presented and the skin of the second one was turned in a canoe.

The last one took a deep breath and said:
“I want a fork.”
The chief was surprised
“What? We produced one of the rarest cars in the world and a unique sacred treasure. How can you ask for a fork?”
“I want a fork.”
“Are you going to throw away your only chance? Lost your fighting spirit? Your hope?”
“I WANT A FORK!”
“Right, have it your way. Get him a fork.”
The missionary got the fork and started to stab himself all over
“F – your canoe!” stab! Stab! Stab! “F- your canoe!!” Stab, stab
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I'm not fat
I'm just... easier to see.
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How women's magazines mess with your mind:

page 14: you're beautiful the way you are

page 23: lose weight fast!

page 29: best ever chocolate cake recipe
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I just found out I'm colorblind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

*******

I am not a schizophrenic and neither am I.
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Life is all about perspective.
The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
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The young woman who was working abroad called her family. The first thing she asked:
“Hello, little sister, how’s our pet cat?”
“The cat died.”
“What? How can you be so insensitive? It’s monstrous to tell me such new like that. You know how much I liked that cat. You should warn me little by little. You should have said ‘the cat climbed up the roof’, then, on my next call, you should say ‘we called the firefighters but he ran away’. On the next call, ‘He ended up falling and we took him to the vet’. Next ‘the vet is not optimist’, before telling me his fate. Learn to have some consideration, for pete's sake. Have empathy for your sister.”
“Right, sis, I got it.”
“Good. Now, how’s mom?”
“Well, mom climbed up the roof.”

XXXXXXXX

This joke is so famous it became an expression here in Brazil, meaning something very bad is bound to happen:
“It’s still the 20th of the month, but seems the company profit climbed up the roof.”
“I will take it to the mechanic, but I am sure my car engine climbed up the roof.”
"Your friend must realize her marriage climbed up the roof."
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