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🙂 The next person to walk out of my life, I'm going with them.
I'm sick of my life too.
(1)
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Me: I want to wake up with you the rest of my life.

Him: I wake up at 4:00 am.

Me: Never mind.
(2)
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🙂 Successfully wasted 5 months of 2024.
(3)
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🙂 My 5-year plan is to make it through this year.
(1)
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🙂 If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?
(1)
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"You will understand when you are older."

I am now older and still don't understand anything.
(1)
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Maybe your future husband is in your pending friend requests.
(1)
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🙂 I'm an animal in bed.
More specifically, a koala.
I can sleep for 22 hours a day.
(1)
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🙂 Sometimes it's better to be alone
especially when you have food.
(3)
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Dear Best Friend,
If you ever feel bad, call me. I promise to sing to you.
Then you can decide what's worse.
(3)
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My idea of "help from above"
is a sniper on a roof.
(2)
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One day you'll find someone that's obsessed with you.
It's probably going to be a dog. But it is what it is.
(3)
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Pets are so weird.

It's just this little individual that lives in your house and you can't speak to each other but you're best friends.
(5)
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🙂 He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce, I keep the house.
(2)
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Adult (noun)

Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
(4)
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Reality (noun)

The annoying time in between sleep and internet.
(3)
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🙂 "Great news, I got 100 on my son's geometry test!"
(3)
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"Parenthood is kind of like getting hit by a car and as you struggle to get up someone asks you for a snack."
(5)
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🙂 My dream vacation is one from my own brain.
(3)
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🙂 Can we skip to the part of my life where I travel the world?
(2)
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I thought of more lines to add to the I'm so old, I was born in BC.

Before calculators

Before integrating circuits

Before micro chips
(3)
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Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle?
…Too many cheetahs.
(3)
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Bringing water to a boil is a mist opportunity.
(3)
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🙂 I'm writing this sentence to let everyone know I'm illiterate.
(2)
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Reality is what you can get away with.
(2)
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It’s so hot, I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walking.
(3)
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It's so hot out that I saw two trees fighting over a dog.
(2)
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It's so hot out, Superman took a cab.
(2)
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It's so hot out that birds have to pick up the worms with oven gloves.
(2)
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Sometimes, you just have to play the role of a fool, to fool the fool, who thinks they are fooling you.
(3)
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