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🍳🍳 So how is this eggsperiment going?
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🍉 You’re one in a melon.
(2)
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😎 What do you call a vegetable that’s only sort of cool?
Rad-ish
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🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚🥚
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

With all we go through as caregivers, day in day out, we all deserve a standing OVA-tion!
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😊 We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.
(1)
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😉 Go away, so we can talk about you.
(1)
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😊 I work hard so my cat can have a better life.
(1)
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🙂 I am big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself.
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😉 I want to go on eternity leave.
(2)
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😉 I want to go where the people aren’t.
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🥰 You’re weird, I’ll keep you.
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Family (noun)

The other humans you sometimes talk to when the wifi is down.
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Diet (noun)

Always starts tomorrow.
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Positive (adjective)

The most negative word of 2020.
(2)
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Proofreading (verb)

We do it best after we've hit "send".
(4)
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Passport (noun)

The most useless thing in 2020.
(2)
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Nap roulette (noun)

Taking a nap without setting an alarm. You don't know if you'll wake up in 30 minutes or 8 hours, but it's worth the risk.
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🤔 Can you really get salmonella from eating cookie dough, or are people just trying to keep me from living my best life?
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😡 I’m getting really sick of cookies having calories.
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🤔 How do you keep a fool in suspense?
I'll tell you the answer tomorrow.
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😉
People used to ask me "Are you okay?" when I made self-deprecating jokes.
I started telling them "No, not really. I'm actually pretty f*****g damaged. How are you?"
They don't ask me that now.
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😉
In "dog years", I'm dead.
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😉
I only date women in their 20s. They need to be strong enough to roll me over so I don't get bedsores.
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😉
Some days, I'm the only person I can keep up with.
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…That awkward moment when you make a self-deprecating comment, and no one disagrees.
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🙂🙂 Today has been cancelled.
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Me: I need to do a thing.

Body: You did a thing yesterday, that’s enough things.
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Not fast.
Just furious.
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😉
Don’t be happy.
Be worry.
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My dog is better than yours.
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