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Me: I'm so stressed, you'll never believe it.

The friend: How stressed are you exactly?

Me: Well... I'm more stressed than a guy finding out his pre-teen daughter is pregnant, and the father is most likely your homeless uncle, but not quite as stressed as those people with the mixed up shoes.
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😊😊 It was me.
I let the dogs out.
(4)
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Happily ever after (phrase)

Error 404 not found.
(1)
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If the Earth was flat...

...cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.
(4)
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😊😊 Don't follow my footsteps.
I run into walls.
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I just asked myself if I'm crazy and we all said no.
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Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Eat me now
Too late
--Avocados
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Crap.
Turns out this IS my circus
and those ARE my monkeys.
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Nobody told me that when you get a husband
the ears are sold separately.
(5)
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I need a leaf blower
but for people.
(2)
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Bundle, LOL! I needed that, thank you!
(2)
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The first rule of Alzheimer’s club,


Is don't talk about chess club.
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I know a really good joke but auto-correct keeps spoiling the lunchtime.
(3)
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Two psychiatrists pass each other in the hall and say, "Hello."

One says to himself, "I wonder what he meant by that?"
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😉 Why do married men live longer than single men?

They don't, it just feels that way.
(3)
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🙂 You’re so much smarter when you don’t speak!
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🙂 It’s cool you have your opinions, but they’re wrong and I hate you.
(1)
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Why I use subtitles:

Because I don’t speak that language

Because I don’t want to miss a word

Because I’m eating chips
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🙂 I am the human version of tangled headphones.
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😊 Where’s my Oscar for acting like everything’s fine?
(1)
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Me: I will not be awkward today.

Person: Hey!

Me: Good, thanks!
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Human beings invented language to satisfy their deep need to complain.
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Learning a foreign language is pointless, I'm not even allowed to talk to strangers.
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Trying to decide if I should be a warning or an example to others today.
🙂
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😉 It's probably going to be all right.


Maybe.
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🙂 When I die, I'm gonna become a ghost and watch attractive people shower.
(1)
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😉 When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home.
(2)
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A good friend always stabs you in the front

Oscar Wilde

Lots of people want to ride in the limo with you, but what you want is someone to take the bus with you when the limo breaks down

Oprah

It takes your enemy and your best friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart, one to slander you and the other to get the news to you

Mark Twain

I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the time of liking them a great deal

Jane Austen

There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate

Linda Grayson

One loyal friend is worth 10,000 relatives

Euripides

One good reason to keep a small circle of friends is because 3 out of 4 murders are committed by people who know the victim

George Carlin
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Every man should have a fair sized cemetery in which to bury the faults of his friends

Henry Brooks Adams

It is more fun to talk with a person who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather, short easy words like, ‘What about lunch?’

A. A. Milne

She was the kind of person who never gave you enough time to miss her

Zadie Smith
(2)
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Doing nothing again today because I did not finish yesterday.
(1)
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