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The other night my kids and I were sitting in the living room
talking about Living Wills and I said to them:
"Listen, I never want to be dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle,
if that ever happens just pull the plug".
They got up, unplugged my computer and threw away my wine!

(The bastards!)
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When we were young we used to skinny dip, now we chunky dunk.
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Ouch! I pinched myself.
I just don't look good in green.
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Thanks Buzzybee!
My hubs is obsessed with the Titanic.
When I shared your joke, he was speechless!
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One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
"Hello Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.
"My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Johnny replied.
"That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.
"That's because he's inside your cat!"
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Q: What do you do with a sick chemist?
A: If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.
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A man went to the pet store and asked for 5 mice, 3 rats and 104 roaches.

"I can give you the mice, but not the rats or roaches, " said the store owner. "What do you want them for anyway?"

The man replies, "My landlady is evicting me and she told me I must leave the room exactly as I found it. "
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Redneck word of the day: Cedar

I know she ain't sick cause I cedar at the Walmart.
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Yesterday I asked hubby "Are you an old fart?" He replied, "No, I am a YOUNG fart!" Asked him again today, and he said, "Indeed."
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She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight, you pig!"
Everyone in the bar stops and stares.
Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing public situations."
To which the guy responds as loudly as possible, "What do you mean $200 for a BJ?"
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The experts say "listen to your body."

If I did, I'd live on toffee bars and port wine. My body's trying to turn me into a blob.
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The location of your mailbox shows you how far from your house you can be in a robe...before you start looking like a mental patient.
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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect, your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentlemen replied., "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
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Three things to think about:

1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

Cows: is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost 3 years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 12 million illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

The Constitution: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Irag. Why don't we just give them ours? It is written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

The Ten Commandments: The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse.... You can not post "Thou Shall Not Steal," Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians---it creates a hostile work environment.
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@Isthisrealyreal...I love the latest... It's a definite share... thank you for the lighter side of something serious... and we breathe...
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A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying,
“I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.
Please keep your photo and return the others.”
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BB, I have to say that I think that is exactly what a person that would break up like that deserves.

LorenMGG, I snorted when I first heard that, so much truth.
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Isthisreal, loved the 3 things to think about. :)
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Car Mechanic for his apprentice:
"Check if the turn signal is working."
"It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't..."
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10/10 for political correctness, CoyoteBR :)

I always thought that was a Blonde joke!
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What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off



(My comment - Ouch)
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OK I just had to post something so that nobody else sees that at the top of their news feed - (double ouch🤯)
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House do you spell mouse trap with three letters?

C-A-T
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You wicked person! Sending that one straight to my kids, lol :)
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Okay, Make or Female?

FREEZER BAGS?
They are male, because they hold everything in and you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS?
They are female, because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive devise if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES?
Tires are male, they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS?
Male, because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under their arse.

SPONGES?
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

more to come...
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Hmmmmm........

What is it about a car that makes people think you can't see them picking their nose?

Why is it called "beauty sleep" when you wake up looking like a troll?

Why hasn't someone come up with a way to donate fat like you do blood?
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Isthisrealyreal

I have soooooooooo much to give - lol FAT

And I know you meant MALE or female (May be admin will change it for you? Just tell them you had borrowed Buzzys 14 fingers, on a bad day)
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Real story

Arrived to my parents' house yesterday for lunch. Just before eating, my mother:
Mother: I saved you a piece of cake, for desert.
An hour later
Mother: did you ate the cake?
Me: no, I had plenty to eat, don't want desert now.
She had dinner in bed, but asked me aftewards:
Mother: did you ate the cake?
Me: no, I am not in the mood for anything sweet right now.
breakfast:
Mother: did you ate the cake?
Me: nope, I forgot.
Mother: So I save the cake just for you and you don't blah, blah, blah.
half hour ago:
Me: there, mother, I ate the cake for the 5 o'clock snack.
Mother: did you ate the veggie loaf?
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My mother's neighbor, who lived with and took care of her 102 year old father (just the 2 of them) - "Would you like a piece of my dad's birthday cake?" Me, my husband and I - "Yes." But then we got 3 SLIVERS of birthday cake piled up on one thin plate. Talk about difficult to get off the thin plate, never mind eat the thin sliver of cake! Much later I found a talking birthday cake slice at the Hallmark Store for my mother! No joke.
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Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
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