Follow
Share
Read More
Find Care & Housing
This isn’t personal (phrase)

It’s definitely personal.
(0)
Report

Overthinking (verb)

The biggest cause of our unhappiness.
(1)
Report

Death (noun)

Life’s way of firing you.
(0)
Report

Fat (noun)

A substance in your body that will love you and stay with you forever. Even though you don’t love it back.
(1)
Report

Zombies (noun)

The only men who will love you for your brain.
(1)
Report

White shirt (noun)

There’s a 95% chance that food will drop on it.
(2)
Report

Stalking (verb)

When two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
(0)
Report

Middle of the night (noun)

The only time I have the urge to get my life together.
(1)
Report

Acne (noun)

Usually appears on your face when you have an important date.
(1)
Report

Girls (noun)

They don’t actually shop, they just walk around touching clothes, saying, “This is cute.”
(1)
Report

Pets (noun)

The only members of your family you actually like.
(2)
Report

A jellyfish has existed as a species for 500 million years, surviving just fine without a brain. Also politics.
(1)
Report

I am swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. 8 days ago.
(1)
Report

You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?
(1)
Report

I’m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything… Far from it.
(1)
Report

Would you believe that my neighbor came ringing my doorbell at 2:00 this morning? Luckily for him, I was still up playing bagpipes.
(3)
Report

Sausage puns are the wurst.
(0)
Report

Do you know the verse of the Bible where it tells you how to turn water into wine? Asking for a friend.
(3)
Report

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time-consuming.
(2)
Report

My wife just said, “You weren’t even listening, were you?” That’s a funny way to start a conversation.
(2)
Report

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.
(2)
Report

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it's empty.
(3)
Report

I'm not impatient, I just patient really fast.
(1)
Report

🙂 If it first you don't succeed, order some pizza.
(2)
Report

Doctor asks elderly patient questions, to check for dementia.

Dr: What day is today?

Mom: Thursday.

Dr: What year is this?

Mom: 2024.

Dr: Who is the president?

Mom: (long pause) Ohhh… uh, some ***hole.

Dr: Close enough.
(2)
Report

Doctor: All right, this is the part where I’m just going to google it and we both pretend I’m not.
(2)
Report

🥰 Your clothes would look nice on my bedroom floor.
(0)
Report

🙂 My favorite mythical creatures are decent men.
(3)
Report

My neighbour asked me if he could use my lawn mower.

I said, “Sure, just don’t take it out of the yard.”
(2)
Report

Lawn & Order
Special Mowing Unit
(2)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter