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Auto-correct has not yet figured out how often I swear and how rarely I talk about ducks.
(3)
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To do list:
1. Get ducks
2. Put them in a row
3. Keep them there
(2)
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Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
(2)
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My life is an open book, but it’s very poorly written and I die in the end.
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🤯🤯🤯🤯
what.
the.
actual.
duck…
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🤔
Do not duck with me.
(1)
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I never said I hated you.
I just said that if you were on fire, I might consider roasting marshmallows.
Big difference.
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Have we tried unplugging 2024, waiting 10 seconds and plugging it in again?
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Note to self:
It’s illegal to stab people for being stupid.
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I swear microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
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Is there life without internet?
Please send me the link.
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99% of socks are single and you don’t see them crying about it.
(2)
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People think that grass don't be wet in the morning.

But it dew.
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🥰 If I’m flirting with you please cooperate.
(0)
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🙂🙂 You can stay but your clothes must go.
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Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?
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🙂🙂 Ever wanted to hold someone under water till the bubbles stop?
You’re not alone.
(1)
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😉 You are sensitive, kind, thoughtful, wise, generous and gullible.
(3)
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If stupid was a sport,
I would be surrounded by champions.
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I'm not stupid.
And sometimes I think that's part of the problem.
(1)
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...one drink away from telling everyone what I really think.
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The cat could very well be man’s best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.
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I promise to do a better job at hiding how much you annoy me.
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When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.
(1)
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What’s your birthstone? Mine is rock bottom.
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🙂 Life hack: save time by crying about two things at the same time.
(1)
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What made you suddenly lose interest in someone you were pursuing?

When I found out they liked me back. Not interested in someone with poor judgement.
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I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t feel like screaming.
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Stop crying about your problems on the internet. Bottle them up inside and disguise them with dark, inappropriate humour, like a grown-up.
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[walks into pharmacy]

Hello yes I would like to purchase 1 mental health please.
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