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When you find out that someone hates the same person as you:
The beginning of a long, long friendship.
🙂
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Diet is eating food that makes you sad...
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🙂 Pizza is not a matter of life and death.
It's much more important than that.
(1)
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Every once in a while
I check up on people I hate
to make sure I still hate them.
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Everything I like is either fattening, expensive or won't text me.
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Once you've read the dictionary
every book you read is a remix.
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🙂 I have terrible ideas
if you need any.
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🙂 If you figure me out
I want an explanation.
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I’d like to offer moral support
but I have questionable morals.
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🙂 I’m actually weirder
thank you think.
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🙂 My guess is:
you haven’t been diagnosed yet.
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Well aren’t you a waste of 2 billion years of evolution.
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🙂 When I die, I want my last words to be, “I left $1 million under the
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🙂 I used up all my sick leave, so I called in dead.
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🙃🙃🙃

“When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?”
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🙂

"A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy, but they prefer to watch you die." 
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🙂

"I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can't decide what I want and I don't want to be stuck with one I'm just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later."
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🤪😜🤯

“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.”
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🙂

“I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.”
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🙂

I think it's about time I had unlimited money.
(2)
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New Year's Resolution:
1. Get finances in order
2. Get finances
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Family member: What are you doing with you life?

Me: It's a surprise.
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I may look fine
but deep down
I don't remember
any of my passwords.
(5)
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“I stand corrected,” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.
(4)
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“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.”
(4)
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“Told you so.”

Sincerely,

Your intuition
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🙂
“Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.”
(1)
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🙂
“I don't care if we don't talk. Your existence still irritates me."
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🙂
"My brain cells will die
if I have to talk to you."
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Brain

For sale, barely used.
(2)
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