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To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
(1)
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kinda sad…

About the computer industry:
We've created life in our own image.
(2)
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at the entrance of my neighbour’s home:

Spoiled dogs (and their household staff) live here. 🙂
(2)
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have a good day
and remember, you’re pawsome!!
🐾🐾🙂🙂
(2)
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I went to the doctor today, thinking I had all the symptoms of arthritis.

I don't.
I have early onset
rigor mortis.
(3)
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🙂🙂
I look normal, but believe me,
I talk to animals and wait for them to reply.
(2)
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Friend: Can I ask your advice on something?

Me: (Have never made a decision that didn't screw me over for months afterwards.) Yes, absolutely.
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🥰 If you haven't found your soulmate yet, don't feel bad. Even the married ones are still searching.
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🙂🙂
There's nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe your soul.
Even if it's cold.
Over ice.
With a celery stalk.
And vodka.
(3)
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I have decided with a peaceful spirit,
a loving heart
and a clear mind
that some people
can still kiss my
a***s.
(2)
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😡 When you’re hungry but all the food in the house needs to be cooked.
(3)
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I heard someone say something about leaving their children to travel for work and i thought it translated to placing a loved one in care because it has become far to much for in home care.

In between my moments of guilt for leaving them...are hours and hours of utter happiness.
(3)
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Man: You only love because my father left me a fortune!

Woman: Nonsense!...I'd love you no matter who left you a fortune!
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🙂 Procrastination is a dish
best served eventually.
(4)
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I need to re-home a dog.
It's a small, cute terrier, and tends to bark a lot.
If you're interested let me know
and I'll jump over my neighbour's fence and get it for you.
(9)
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Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life
has clearly never had 2 candy bars
fall down at once from a vending machine.
(5)
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The next time you hate your life, remember,
it's all about perspective. I have a friend who has sex 2-3 times a day, exercises twice a day, reads 2 books
a week and yet complains about how much he hates prison.
(5)
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Q: My child will not eat fish, what shall I replace it with?

A: A cat. A cat loves fish.
(3)
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🙄 I don’t know about you but I don’t have any more passwords left in me.
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🐾🐾🐾🐈🐈🐈

One reason that cats are happier than people is that they have no newspapers.
(3)
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more come-backs against people who’re mean to you…
insults without swearing:

My mother allways told me to be nice or be quiet. I presume you've not heard from yours in years?


Your parents aren’t even disappointed in you. They know this is the best you can do.


I once asked a girl, “Where have you been all my life?”
Her response was, “I don’t know, but I wish I was still there.”


I find the fact that you lived this long both surprising and disappointing.


🥰 I'm genuinely excited to never interact with you again.


Somewhere somehow you are robbing a village of an idiot.


Bless your heart.


🥰 You are one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
(4)
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10 million sperm cells, and you expect me to believe you were the fastest?
(4)
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"Weasling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals..."
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🤓 You can’t tell the truth on TV.
Too many people are watching.
(2)
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😘 You bring out the best insults in me.
(2)
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more funny insults…

I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it works.


Are you on stupid pills?


Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?


I smell smoke. Were you thinking too hard again?
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Single (noun)

A man who makes jokes about women in the kitchen.
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🙂🙂
Please shut your mouth when you’re talking to me.
(5)
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(Pizza box on the table.)

X: Yesterday's pizza! 🥰

(X opens the box.)

X: Dang! It's empty...
He was only supposed to eat half. He betrayed me.

Y: Who betrayed you?

X: My past self.
(3)
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reasons you should consider being a cat...

1.free food
2.free rent
3.sleep as long as you want to
4.look great with no effort
(4)
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