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Is an argument between two vegans still called a beef?
(7)
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The speed of light is when you take out a bottle of beer out of the fridge before the light comes on.
(3)
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I hope I don't offend anyone. But you have been warn!

What is the best thing about having Alzheimer's?

You can hide your own Easter basket!!

Heard this when I was a kid!
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The young priest would talk to a congregation for the first time. Needless to say, he was nervous, and seek advice from an older man of God.
“Pray a lot, take deep breaths, don’t focus in one person alone and, if you feel you are losing their attention, use humor. For instance, I usually say ‘last night, I took another man’s wife in my arms.’ That makes everybody pay attention, I deliver the punchline ‘It was my beloved mother’ and I go on with the subject.”

The young one thanked him a lot, and went to do his call. Sure enough, soon no one was paying attention to his hesitant sermon, and he started:
“Last night, I took another man’s wife in my arms.”
Everyone looked at him shocked, and he went on
“It was Father John’s mother.”
(6)
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My wife loves me so much, she tries her best to attract me to her.
The other day she put on a perfume that smells like a computer.
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Frazzeldmama, if a vegan loves the camera is it wrong to call them a ham?
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An Easter Joke for sadists:
What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Answer: A hot cross bunny.
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In my opinion,this is a quote from a spouse. lol

I think I'm starting to have a problem with my vision,
ever since I got married I haven't seen any money through the entire house.
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Why do Retirees smile all the time?
Because they can't hear a word you're saying!






I'd say that includes me 50% of the time. lol
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My mother describing porn - "It's prawn." Well, okay then.
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Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow.

Now read it again without the animals.
(3)
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Oh, oh, I just learned two jokes about unemployed people.

...

On second thought, forget about it. None of them work.
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Another Saturday night in the house, and I just realized that even the trash goes out more than me.
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Not a belly laugh like others but it made me smile.
Two friends of mine that live round the corner from us are 'into' their cats. I think the last count was four or five.

Going past their house I noticed a plaque on their wall (which tickled my sense of humour). It said:-

"This is the cats home but the staff live here as well."
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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
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Frazzled: That was a good one!
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Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone?
Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them?
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My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
(6)
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I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone...then it dawned on me.
(11)
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You know that amazing feeling when you go to bed knowing your entire house is clean?


Ya, neither do I.
(10)
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Woman: My ex was from the land down under.

Friend: Australia?

Woman: No. Hell.
(8)
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Do you ever feel like your body's "check engine" light has been on and you're still driving it like "nah, it'll be fine"?
(9)
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I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
(8)
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Eat salad, they say_ _It's healthy


You know what never gets recalled?


Cake!
I'm sticking with cake
(8)
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Ebenezer Scrooge was leaving a nightclub, stopped and put his hand into the concierge’s pocket.
“It was a good night. Here, this is for you to have a whisky with.”

When the concierge checked it, found two ice cubes.
(5)
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My partner has to be the worst cook.
Their specialty is indigestion.
(2)
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Ever since it started snowing my husband is standing in front of the window and watching.

If the snow gets much worse, I might let him inside the house






Sorry last joke was rubbish.
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Buzzy even the bad jokes are worth at least a grimace, I don't know how you keep coming up with so may!
(4)
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This was told me by a supplier of our company as a true story.

Being a B-to-B salesperson, he travels a lot the whole country. He said he was once boarding a plane, found his seat, listened to the flight instructions, engines ready, when the pilot turned on the speakers.
"Ladies and gentlemen, due to technical issues we will have to ask you to step out the plane as our flight will be delayed 40 minutes. We're sorry about..."blah, blah".
So, everybody got out, went to their phones, bathroom, coffee, etc and, 40-ish minutes later, they were called again to board. Engines turned on, plane started to move, then the pilot again:
"Ladies and gentlemen, due to technical issues we will have to ask you to step out the plane again. Our flight will now have a delay of another hour. The company is deeply sorry..."
An hour later, everybody got in again, engines turned on and the pilot, somehow forgeting the speaker open, said
"Aw, now f*** it!"
Went to the strip and took off.
(4)
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I had my patience tested. Turns out I'm negative.
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