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I don't care how nice the hand soap smells...

You should never walk out of the restroom sniffing your fingers.
(8)
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Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM. 

Confused, I asked him what he was doing

He said: "Just checking my balance."
(8)
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A joke to be appreciated by people dealing with narcissists: Someone who is totally wrapped up in themselves comes across as a very small package!
(6)
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My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled.
She said, "All kids smell that way."
(9)
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A guy was in the front yard helping his kids get their kite to function properly. Not much luck. His wife leaned out the upstairs window and said, “You need more tail.” He shook his head and said,” Isn’t that just like a woman? Last night she told me to go fly a kite.”
(6)
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I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
(12)
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The party organizer was bothered with the gate-crashers on the celebration. She then got the microphone and asked for everybody’s attention.

“Please, can the bride guests form a line here at my left? Thank you. Now, the guests of the groom, line here at my right.”

After some did so, she went on:
“Now, everybody at my right and left, please leave because this is a baptism.”
(9)
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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
(12)
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This one is for my American friends

_________OFFICIAL NOTICE__________

Be advised that next month the Immigration department
will begin deporting seniors (instead of illegal aliens) in
an effort to lower social security and medicaid costs. Older
people are much easier to catch and less likely to
remember how to get back home.
(16)
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cwillie thats a good one. lol It would work here too. hahaha
(3)
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Ha Ha cwillie I love it!
(2)
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Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts.
Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face!
(7)
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***Warning: tasteless naughty joke coming up***

Mickey Mouse was in the midst of an acrimonious divorce from Minnie Mouse. Accusations and name calling filled the gossip columns. Mickey's lawyer advised him to tone things down or he could lose his fan base.
"For starters, stop calling Minnie crazy. Mental illness is a serious issue. "
"Crazy! I never said she's crazy. I said she's f****ing Goofy!!!"
(11)
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Someone asked me what sign I am most compatible with. I said the dollar sign.
(13)
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I have just had this told me from my son.
He came in from the pub. At the pub one of the girls was talking about Chuwbacca, sadly, dying yesterday.
She said she was worried how this would affect the Formula 1 racing?

The rest of the pub was confused. UNTIL. Someone realized she meant
Schumacher!!!!!!!!

Could only happen in real life. lol
(6)
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People talk about having an inner child. I don't. I have an inner old lady who says inappropriate things, tells everyone to be quiet, and wants to go to bed at 8 pm.
(11)
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After being married for 30 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ......
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks .... "What the hell does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous and Hot".
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
(11)
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That moment when there's a spider on you,
and you suddenly turn into a black belt karate master.

Not true for me I turn into a long distance runner or a mountain climber.lol
(8)
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This is one that really should be spoken. I hope that no-one will be as shocked as the Grandma in question.

Seven year old grandson, who has just learnt to read, is helping Grandma unpack and put away the grocery shopping. She hears him ask ‘Grandma, what are dickhead tomatoes?’. Grandma is quite shocked, then grandson also gets upset too because: ‘that’s what it says on the can – dic ed tomatoes’!
(4)
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Someone told Betty White that Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends. Betty responded with, "Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends, I'm gonna need a ouija board."
(12)
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When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But she pulled through."
(3)
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If a lion attacks your wife and your mother-in-law at the same time, whom would you save?

Man: The lion of course. Between those two beasts, the lion doesn't stand a chance.
(11)
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Myou friend went to jail for something he didn't do. He didn't run fast enough.
(5)
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I think my house is haunted,
every time I try to look in the mirror
some old woman stands in front of me
so I can't see my reflection.
(14)
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Oh Cwillie...I laughed so hard I bout fell out of my chair. That is a good one.
(1)
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There was a story on our news site about misprints and mistakes:

“I was in my early 20s, got a job on the local paper, and had a chance to be the night sub, checking off on the front-page splash “FIRE BRIGADE WOES”, and heading home for the night. The next morning our front lawn welcomes the thud of a rolled up newspaper warning of “FIRE BRIGAGE WOES”. I still can’t write that word 30 years later without having a flashback.”
 
Spare a thought for David, who told us he’d been taking photos for a double page spread of first-class food for a supplier to a major international airline. "We propped up a product with a toilet roll. Never noticed it was visible in the final image until the brochure was printed." 
 
Or Karyn who “apologised for the incontinence instead of the inconvenience, when rescheduling a meeting in a group email”.
 
Or Chris who “circulated some draft policies from our chief officer. In the email I said: Please review the daft chief officer's policies”.

Does anyone have any more? It’s nice to read about other people’s genuine mistakes, makes you feel so much better!
(5)
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“It became so cold in New York last night that it forced the flashers to describe themselves to people.”
(7)
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Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
(14)
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Here I am, a stranger in Alice Springs, asking for directions to a shop. Answer: Keep going down this road, turn left at the corner where Hungry Jack’s used to be, and you’ll see it on the right. Me:?..??
(6)
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My mother was 18 years old when she had me. In those days they didn't know if it was going to be a girl or boy.
When it was time for me to come into this world, the doctor asked mother, "Well Mary, what do want, a girl or a boy." Mother says, "I want a 52 Dodge!"
So glad she didn't name me Dodge.
(8)
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