Follow
Share
Read More
Find Care & Housing
When I went in for my yearly physical
The doc started with the basics:

"How much do you weigh?" she asked
"Around 135" I said
The nurse put me on the scale,

Turns out I'm 165 lbs.

"What's your height" she asked
"I'm 5 foot 6" I said
The nurse checked and saw that I only measured 5 foot 4.

Then she took my blood pressure and told me that it was too high.

"Of course it's high" I screamed, "when I came in I was tall and slim and now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.

What a b!tch.
(11)
Report

Yes, cwillie, I started it. lol I am English and I don't object. I never mean offence and try not to upset anyone. I really am not into this P.C. stuff because I am 'old school' but I never mean offence and if it takes a dig at me too, I can live with that. We live (in the real) with so much more. :)

Yours is so funny too. :)
(5)
Report

Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?

A: The dog, of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.


Comment from me. Too right!! But my bark is worse than my bite. :)
(5)
Report

A man and his ostrich walk into a bar. The man orders a whiskey instead of his usual beer. The bartender then serves the drink and the man pays in exact change.

The bartender says to the man, "Say, every time you've bought something from here you've always given me the exact change. Is there a particular reason?" To which the man replies, "Once, I was cleaning my attic and I found a genie in a lamp. The genie gave me two wishes, and I wished that whenever I needed to pay for anything, the correct money would always be there in my pocket."

"That's great! Whether it be a car or a carton of milk you will always have enough money. I mean, most people would wish for something like a million dollars, but you will never run out of money! By the way, what's up with the ostrich?"

"My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
(10)
Report

A young couple is having dinner in a restaurant when she says to him, "I think we should break up."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because you're so uncouth."
"What do you mean? Don't I take you to nice places when we go out?"
"Yes," she admits.
"And don't I give you thoughtful gifts on your birthday?"
"Yes," she says.
"And don't I treat your folks with respect and kindness?"
"Yes," she says.
"Then what the f**k is all this 'uncouth' sh*t?"
(6)
Report

How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? Is it one or two? One...or two?
(10)
Report

I may have told this one before but if I didn't.

A woman comes home from her doctor's appt. and is relaying what was discussed to her husband. she says "he checked my heart, my lungs, my blood pressure, etc. etc., everything is good"

Husband responds "what did he say about your big fat @ss?"

Wife, "oh, we didn't talk about you dear"
(11)
Report

So there are some light bulb jokes I hadn’t heard! How about this one:

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

One – but the light bulb has to want to change...
(8)
Report

What do corvettes and hemroids have in common?

Ans: Sooner or later every a**hole gets one.
(5)
Report

Yo mama is so dumb, she stared at a carton of orange juice for an hour because it said 'concentrate'.

Yo mama is so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.

Some Mitch Hedberg one-liners:

I'm sick of following my dreams. I just ask where they're going and hook up with them later.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Rice is good if you're hungry and want to eat 2,000 of something.

My shirt is "dry clean only"... which means its dirty.

If I had nine of my fingers missing, I still wouldn't type any slower.

I passed a billboard the other day that said "Estimated Lotto Jackpot 55 Million Dollars." See, I didn't know that number was estimated. That would suck if you won and they were like "Oops we were off by 2 zeros. We estimate that you are angry."
(6)
Report

A pair of balanced sexist jokes:

Q: How many men does it take to change either a light bulb or a roll of toilet paper?
A: No one knows. It has never happened.

Q. How many women with raging hormones does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, me. And do you know why? Because no one in this house ever lifts a finger except me! Not one! And even if someone even noticed that the light bulb needed changing, I'm the only person who knows where the replacement light bulbs are kept, and why? Because they've only been in the same cupboard for the last FIFTEEN YEARS! And even if by some miracle someone did notice the light bulb needed changing and did find where the replacement bulbs are kept, they would either decide that getting a stepstool is just too much work, or they would leave the stepstool in the middle of the floor, not to mention all the trash they generated, because they think I'm their bleeping SERVANT! . . . I'm sorry, what was the question again?
(16)
Report

Thanks Margaret- had a good laugh on that one.😀
(3)
Report

OK, two more light bulb jokes about professions:

Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes six visits.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Speaking as a retired lawyer with a back problem, the first is absolutely true, and the second is totally unjustified. .... except when it comes to challenging wills!
(4)
Report

Margaret, I have to say that my chiropractor says if it takes me 6 times to help you, I need to find a new profession. Maybe you should find a new chiropractor.
(0)
Report

OK... another light bulb joke:
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but the light bulb has to really want to change...

(and yes, I'm a therapist... LOL)
(3)
Report

haha MargaretMcKen ... I just saw your light bulb joke... sorry I posted before I read through the latest ones... LOL and we breathe...
(0)
Report

I just joined and I am surprised that so many jokes??? are ‘off colour’.
(5)
Report

Melody: When you're in the active throws of caregiving, believe me - you need jokes like these, else you crack. I think I laughed at ANYTHING or NOTHING!😆😆
(3)
Report

The Retirement Gift

It was George the Mailman’s last day.
As he did his final rounds, he reached the door of the first house and was greeted by a elderly couple who gave him a gift certificate. At the next house, the entire family gave him a set of fishing lures, and at the third house he received a box of fine cigars.

But at the next house he was greeted by a sexy blonde wearing a skimpy negligee. Without a word, she signalled him to come inside. She gently took him upstairs and proceeded to make mad passionate love to him. George certainly didn't mind.

She then led him downstairs where she made him a huge breakfast of toast, sausage, eggs and hashbrowns. George was truly satisfied. As he leaned forward to get his second cup of coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup.

Curious, he asks the blonde, ”This is all wonderful and I appreciate everything..but…what’s the dollar for?”

“Oh,” says the blonde, “I asked my husband last night what we should give you for your retirement. He said ‘Screw him! Give him a dollar!’

She beamed at him. "The breakfast part was my idea!”
(7)
Report

A naughty pair of light bulbs:

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Silly, Californians don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in hot tubs.

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
(4)
Report

A man who makes caskets was doing a funeral home delivery one day when his vehicle broke down. He didn't want to be late so he decided to try and carry it on foot. A police officer saw him struggling to carry this casket and asked him what he was doing. The man said, "I don't like where I was buried, so I am relocating." The officer fainted.
(8)
Report

Sometimes you hear men say that women should come with a manual.
I can't see the point of that, have you ever met a man who will read the instructions?
(9)
Report

Melody: My changed statement. 😣😣
(1)
Report

It's funny how red, white and blue represent freedom...until they're flashing behind you.
(10)
Report

Translation: (original was in French, in a church)

It is possible that on entering this church, you may hear the Call of God.
 On the other hand, it is not likely that he will contact you by phone.
Thank you for turning off your phone.
 If you would like to talk to God, come in, choose a quiet place, and talk to him.
 If you would like to see him, send him a text while driving.
(9)
Report

Person being examined said to doctor, "I must be in the autumn of my life. I feel like a pile of wet leaves."

Man to wife: After all these years, I still tingle when you touch me. I’m not sure if it’s love or poor circulation.

To spouse: Look at the bright side. It’s nice to know that our sex life doesn’t contribute to global warming.
(4)
Report

Why are there no knock knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings.
(8)
Report

A Widow in her 70s was fed up being on her own so she advertised in the local paper.

WANTED 1 HUSBAND.
Must not beat me.
Must not run around on me.
Must be good in bed.

A few days later the door bell rang, on opening it she saw a real silver fox sitting in a wheel chair. He said I have come about your ad.
Looking at him she said" but you have no legs, that's no use."
He replied "I know but then I cant run around on you!"

She then said "I also notice you have no arms".
"True", he said, "but on the plus side I cant beat you."

So she tried once more, "But are you good in bed?"
He sat back in his wheelchair & said "I RANG THE DOORBELL DIDN'T I."
(10)
Report

How many alcoholics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to drink until the room spins.

Why don’t alcoholics become lawyers?
They can’t pass a bar.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barkeeper says "you're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?", to which the horse says "I don't think I am.", and vanishes from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think therefore I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?
One...Ok, just one more...Maybe a third to be social...May as well make it a few more now, I've missed the last bus...
(9)
Report

My family attended a wedding this weekend. I was explaining to my youngest daughter who was who. So and so is my cousin, and that girl there is your 2nd cousin, and that lady there is your cousin once removed, etc.

My daughter impatiently interrupted: "Yeah yeah yeah. I know I know."
Me: "You do? You know why she is your cousin once removed?"
Daughter: "She was removed from the family, then let back in."

Haha
(9)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter