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oooh! I just remembered the words to my favorite song:

I'm in the mood for love,
Simply because you're near me.
Funny, but...

Say, you DO have a funny butt!
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Send: Agreed!
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One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”
Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”

On a mountain trip a man falls down into a crack. His wife calls after him, “Are you OK?”
“Yeah!”
“Are you hurt?”
“No!”
“Not a scratch? How come?!“
“I’m not done falling yet-et-et-et-et!”


Need cheering up? Start a fight with somebody when they have the hiccups!
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A bishop visited a church one Sunday only to find that church attendance was much lower that day than on most Sundays. Outraged, he asked the church pastor, "Did they know I was coming?" The pastor replied, "I didn't tell anyone, but I guess word must have gotten out somehow."
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I was on my way to work, and this Dodge Durango was in front of me going slow. There was a sign in the back window with a number advertising it for sale. So I called it, and a man answered:

Them: "Hello?"
Me: "Yes, I'm calling about the Durango for sale?"
Them:"Yes, it's still for sale."
Me: "Does it run?"
Them: "Yes, it does."
Me: "Well then, can you either step on the gas, or get the heck out of my way?"
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Frankly, I've grown weary of the raunchy, salacious humor that is so prevalent in movies, song lyrics, and on TV. I was hoping this page would be a refreshing change, especially since I come here for advice about my dear, elderly mother. Maybe coming up with a genuinely funny, clean joke is too challenging for some people.
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Okay Polarbear. I about fell out of my seat!

I might be naughty and start a small fight with my sig other when he has the hiccups.

Frazzled & dogperson that's funny!
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My doctor told me I was fat. I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, "OK, you’re ugly, too."‴
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DLB my doctor told me that I was fat and I said oh yeah, well you are ugly, at least I can diet. Next time I saw her she had botox lips.😜
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Will Rogers said that horses are smarter than people.
You will never find a horse losing money bettin' on people.
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Much better mikkimball0664😉
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Good news for those of you who don't want Amazon's Alexa listening to all your conversations. Amazon is developing a male version named Alex... he won't listen to anything.
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I have heard from some dwarf persons, who also take offense at the term dwarf,
all 7 of them. They prefer the term "little people".
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Two elderly couples just finished sharing a lovely meal together. The ladies cleared the table and headed for the kitchen, leaving the gents to their cigars and whiskey. Fred turns to Mack and says, "We found a nice new restaurant last night. Great food and the prices were very reasonable."
"Yeah?" says Mac. "What was the name of it?"
Fred thinks for a moment, then says, "What's the name of that flower you give someone you love?"
"You mean a rose?" asks Mack.
"That's the one," replies Fred. Turning toward the kitchen he yells, "Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
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Psychiatrist vs. Bartender

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'

Credit to Bookluvr 2016
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Why does a chicken coupe have only 2 doors ? Because if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan !
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The irony of life is that by the time
You're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.
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I recently called an old engineering buddy and asked what he was working on these days.

He replied that he was working on, "Aquathermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."

I was impressed until, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.
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Maybe only humorous to me,
Mom was telling a story of when she was a kid, and she was sick nigh unto death, her Daddy rode a mule to death going to town to get a Dr.
When she was done telling her story I said Oh he must of rode that mule hard and fast as possible to get help, was the mule ok?
She said No I told you he rode him to death.
I thought she was just using figure of speech, but nope she was being very literal.
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Mikk, my husband asked me why you are so obsessed with the dwarf joke, he was wondering if it is because you get slapped a lot?
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A cross eyed teacher got fired because he couldn't control his pupils.
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Research has shown that laughing for 2 minutes is as healthy for you as a 20 minute jog.

So now I sit in the park and laugh at all the joggers!
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Got this from a FB friend.  John Wayne's 5 Rules to Life . . .

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the b@#$*'s name.

3.Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
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Teacher: Jimmy, what is the chemical formula for water?
Jimmy: H I J K L M N O
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Jimmy: Yesterday, you said water was H to O.
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John, a farmer, was returning to his house when he noticed a lot of people gathered around his neighbor's house. When he stopped to ask what was going on, another neighbor said, "Joe's donkey kicked his mother-in-law & she died."
"Wow, she must have had a lot of friends." said John. "Nope" the neighbor replied. "We all just want to buy HIS donkey."
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Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!
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The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
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I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger.....then, it hit me.
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Smeshque: That phrase you used - "nigh unto death" is one I'd never heard before. That is so poetic and I'll have to remember it.
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dads1caregiver - funny jokes. I love them.
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