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Where did Noah keep his bees? In his ark hives!
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Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas

10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows).
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights).
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores.
7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials".
6. Family coming to stay with you.
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling.
4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities.
3. Days off from work.
2. Candles.
1 And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas...At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!
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Q: Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?
A: Because she expected some change in the weather.
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My age doesn't bother me...
it's the side effects
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A friend told me that at her community center birthday parties for those 80 & older are referred to as funeral rehearsals.
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Q: Why did Miss Tomato turn red?
A: Because she peeked over the garden fence and saw Mr. Green Pea.
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Applied for a job and received a reply. “ Dear Sir, you attached a Jamie Oliver recipe for chilli beef instead of your CV.”
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Have to heard about the new Glass Coffins? Will they be popular, not sure...it remains to be seen.
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I saw this on FB- it is me.

Just told my kids I'm older than Google.  They think I'm kidding.

(I am also older than computers!)
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Another Joan Rivers funny: "I'm not into exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he'd have put diamonds on the floor."
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Where does an electric cord shop? An outlet mall
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I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?" I said, "Homer is bald with a beer gut and Marge has blue hair."
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A telemarketer called the house. He said he wanted to talk to "whoever runs the household". So... I passed the phone to the dog.
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I had a bad puberty...It lasted 27 years.
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The only person that calls and checks on me every day is the guy from India wanting to discuss my car warranty.
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Someone told me that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. 
Pretty obvious, can't even remember the last time I ate a monkey.
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Lifted from FaceBook:

A woman was flying from Melbourne to Brisbane.

Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sydney along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Guide Dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sydney for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Guide dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses...

People scattered… They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

Have a great day and remember things are not always the way they appear.
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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, my spouse and I went into town and
visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a
traffic cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, "come on, how about giving a senior citizen
a break".

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an arsehole . He glared at me and started writing another
ticket for having worn-out tires.

So my wife called him a sh*t head. He finished the second ticket and put
it on the windscreen with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
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They say you're as old as you feel...I think I must be an exhumed mummy or something.
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There is a strange voice in my head saying: Vacuum the floor, clean the house! Luckily, my mom always told me not to listen to strangers...
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An elderly Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie....
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Warning: somewhat off-color. Some might find offensive.



So a singer named Mark Ronson recently announced that he is a sapiosexual, meaning he is attracted to intelligence before appearance. Someone posted on a message board: "I just came out to my family as a sapiosexual. Everyone is crying. My mother keeps asking if I've really given f#@&ing idiots a chance."
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I sang the song " Bingo" to my kid and he asked if Bingo was the dog or the farmer.

I'm now questioning everything I ever knew about life.

(Compliments of Facebook)
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My goal weight is one chin
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Hi e1-
This isn’t a joke, it actually happened and hopefully it’ll put a smile in your day...
A few years back, an annoying but dedicated representative at moms mortgage company decided to constantly call the house starting at 8:30 am until around 7:00 pm EVERY dang day and of course, mom “didn’t feel like talking” to anyone etc etc.; however, she did feel like complaining about “those a**holes” calling day and night. After about two solid weeks of phone ring ring ring followed by mom squawking for twenty minutes, I had had enough of their harassment . Unplugging the phone wasn’t an option “in case someone called” -oh, what to do? <insert Cheshire Cat smile here>. I couldn’t wait for that damn phone to ring again hehehehe...
Finally, it rang and I told mom “gimme the phone” she said “no don’t answer...” “gimme” I said and pushed the talk button, “Ying dong ya” I said, the caller said “uh, hello?” I repeated “Ying dong ya” and the caller hesitantly asks “is, is uh, Glenda there?” and I went full blown Chinese buffet background noise, “eng yi dong mui ching etc etc”- Moms jaw dropped with the best look of what the hell are you doing I grinned and kept in character until the caller hung up I proudly exclaimed “they won’t be calling anymore!” and burst into laughter. As mom picked her jaw up off the floor, I told her “hell, Spanish wouldn’t have worked cause everybody is bilingual I had to throw em a curve ball...”
It worked, not one more call came from her mortgage company again and that was seven years ago. BOOMSHAKALAKA!
Thank you David Kwan’s Chinese Buffet!
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PharSytid, love it!   I'm going to try your approach.  Maybe a made-up language would be something I could have fun with. 

Thanks for sharing your unique solution.
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Two blond men found 3 grenades and they decided to take them to the police station. One of them asks, "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found 2.
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When we're all in the nursing home
we will be able to have fun writing graffiti in the bathrooms
that the staff can't understand...
because it's in cursive.
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The 4 yo grand-nephew comes down to my house and announces he's here to talk with Alexa. Really? He pushes the button on the Amazon Fire Stick and tells Alexa "I am here"; Alexa responses with a graphic of a couple floating balloons and says "I am happy to know you are here today!"

I called his mother to let her know she might want to reconsider using the parental controls to disable the Alexa purchasing features on her fire stick since her son is apparently learning how to work Alexa from the commercials...
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I asked my granddaughter to bring me the newspaper.
She laughed and said "you're so old and out of date,
just use my cell phone".
Hm, okay then.
So I grabbed the phone, slammed it against the wall and killed the big hairy spider.
(18)
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