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Do what I try to do with this aging thing I can’t stand,that I keep asking myself how the he’ll I got here,I thought this was for old folks,not me! 😂
Try to laugh at yourself with all the stupid things you do with the decline that comes with it,if u can truly look at how silly we get at some of the things that were 2nd nature to us as young adults,it really is so real it’s funny,just don’t tell anyone some of the stupid things I do,that are frustrations throughout my daily life now,that if I didn’t look at and laugh at I wouldn’t except,it’s my daily comedy show,but it’s actually made me more aware and their not as many as b4 I took this stance,but it’s mine and it’s ok! Remember the old saying life’s to short!!! Man we’re they right! Another thing I wrote off an an old folks saying,now look at me!!! 😂 relax you only live once!😮🤭🤫🤣😁
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Laura's Law: No child throws up in the bathroom.
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GOOGLE PIZZA


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?

GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry. GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

CALLER: OK, I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER: OK! That’s what I want …

GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

CALLER: What? I detest vegetables.

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER: How the hell do you know?

GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.

CALLER: I bought more from another drugstore.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER: I paid in cash.

GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER: I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

CALLER: WHAT THE HELL?

GOOGLE: I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago
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Good one Willie!
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CWillie, I LOVE that pizza poem (and parody)!
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4 guys were being interviewed for a position . the interviewer asked them whats the fastest force they know of . the first guy said it must be a thought because they are almost instantanious . the second guy thought the blink of an eye was the fastest action . the third gut thought that electricity was spontanious because he used to turn on a barn light from the back porch and it was without noticable delay that the light came on . the fourth guy proclaimed that diarrea ( sp ) was the fastest cause a few nights ago he awoke with a rumble in his gut and before he could think , blink , or turn the light on , he had sh*t his pants .
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a fellows girlfriend screams " give it to me , give it to me , im so WET , give it to me NOW . boyfriend says ; " i wasnt givin her my umbrella " .
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Mikimball0664,
Captain is allowed.
You are not.
.
.
.
.

.So sorry, I am not the joke police, but could not help myself. Lol.
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Marcie once asked Charlie Brown if all fairy tales start with 'Once upon a time..."
He said No, many of them begin, 'If I am elected, I promise...'
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I heard that Starbucks id planning on selling beer and wine. Apparently it's getting difficult to sell sober people a $12 cup of coffee.
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GrannieAnnie's political joke reminded me of one I read the other day:


I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

“I wish to live forever,” I said.
“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant that particular wish.”
“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die the day after Parliament//Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people's best interests!”

“You crafty old bastard,” replied the fairy.
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im gonna make em hire three more moderators . makes the economy go around albeit in a very small way .

( #ors )
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I just realized that someone replaced the toilet paper roll. I'm now concerned that there is someone living here that I don't know.
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you know how you spot the crackhead in a grocery store ?
he has his cart upsidedown and is working on the wheels .
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Why didn't the ghost go to the Halloween party?







It didn't have no"body" to go with.
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you know the difference between a prostitute bubble bathing and a nun praying ?

the nun has HOPE in her SOUL .
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you know what the Irish call ' drunk driving ?

driving .
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What concert costs $0.45?

50 Cent and Nickelback!
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one day a guys wife asked him if he realized he was spending 40 bucks a week on beer . he said ' yea , you spend about the same amount on makeup " . she said " well the makeup makes me look pretty for you " . the guy said " yea , so does the BEER " .
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wanna hear a good joke ?

California !!
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Some old state laws are odd. ~ Dumb Maine Laws ~

>After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up.
>You may not step out of a plane in flight.
>Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.

in Augusta -
>To stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law.

Portland -
>Shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.
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well , let me cause some trouble before i go to bed ;
ya know how many feminists it takes to change a light bulb ?
two . it takes two . one to turn the light bulb and one to......

oh hell .

your going to have to use your imagination and finish this joke yourself cause if i finish it the moderators ' heads are going to explode .
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Whenever I try to eat healthy a chocalate bar looks at me and snickers
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Jokes are necessary. We always joke about going to play bingo or senior luncheon. I say, "No boys or bars."
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and the boys say " if it werent for sex theryd be a bounty on em " .
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A couple was going out for the evening.
They had gotten ready, all dolled-up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog jumps back into the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid b*tch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard. She better not sh*t in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the cab was deafening.
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Barb, that is hilarious.
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communism , socialism , and capitalism made plans to meet for drinks one evening .
socialism came dragging in ' more than acceptably ' late , and explained that he had to stop for a hamburger and there was unfortunately quite a line .
capitalism said " whats a line ? "
communism said " whats a hamburger ? "
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a guys wife traps him into the age old question ;
" does this dress make my behind look big ? "
he said " no , its all those fn pies " .
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ya know how long it takes a crew of mexicans to roof a --

never mind theyre already done .
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