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Elderly couple out on a peaceful drive through the woods. Suddenly the man loses control of the car and they barrel down an embankment. Husband calls out to wife,”honey, honey are you alright?” Wife says,” I, I think so but I’ve got an eight inch gash,” to which husband replies,” yes I know, but are you alright?”
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Ha Ha pharsytid .
like an axe wound in a gorrillas back .
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I was taking care of my MIL who has Dementia. I was explaining to her for the umpteenth time that she broke her ankle, had surgery and that a bunch of plates and screws were connecting the bones in her ankle.
She looked at me and said, "so your telling me I'm all screwed up?"
I will never forget that moment. It makes me laugh to this day.
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A guy was walking down the road and was surprised to see his old friend walking towards him. He stopped to say hello to his old pal and ask him how he was doing.

He told him, “It’s good to see you. How have you been?” His friend responded with, “It’s good to see you too. My aunt died a couple of years ago and left me $10,000. He said to his friend, that was kind of her to remember you. That’s a lot of money.

His friend looked sad. So he asked him, “Why do you look sad?” He said, “Well, my grandmother died awhile ago and left me $35,000.” He responded to his friend, “Gee, that’s nice that she thought of you. That’s a lot of money.”

Still his friend looked glum. He asked his friend again, “Why are you looking so down? Is something wrong?”

The friend replied, “Well, my great uncle died and left me a quarter of a million dollars.”

He said to his friend, “Wow! That’s a lot of money. You can travel, buy a new car and put some money in the bank. It was so nice of your uncle to think of you. I don’t understand why you look so sad.”

His friend replied, “No one died today.”
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a friendly but raggedly dressed islander gifted a couple of tourists a fresh pineapple and a huge lobster one day . they told him that lobster would bring 50 dollars stateside , he should get a bigger boat , a big crew and go commercial with his fishing . he could become wealthy beyond all local standards , then retire . " what then " asked the islander . the tourists told him he could relax , do as he pleased and just go fishing every day . " thats what i do now " responded the native .
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i DO love that last joke bout the islander . im working now with the ' freedom challenged ' at a forestry in our state . if they care to wax philosophical -- im all in . they have ideas designed to recover for lost time and make some big bucks when they are released . my advice to them is -- lower your expectations , find a cheaper way to get what you need , walk before you try to fly , and beat the system like a redheaded stepkid .
i know what the hell im talking about . until 6 yrs ago i drove a ' repaired ' 51 chevy truck . still have it . my motorcycle trike is just a bunch of glob welded , crazy sh!t , put together . my current truck is a 700 . 00 gmc sonoma that just keeps ' coming up ' . its now a stout ass little miniature dumptruck . there is NOTHING i would replace it , or the junk trike with .
i think the guys are paying attention .
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captain - what is the 'freedom-challenged' you've been talking about? Inmates?
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polarbear -- precisely !! .
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I am on a nut free diet, I avoid people who drive me nuts.
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a rather wealthy guy and his wife are having dinner ' out ' one evening . suddenly a rather floozy looking woman walked up and kissed the guy full on the lips . his wife demanded to know " who the hell was that ? " he said it was his mistress.
moments later something similar happened to a mutually rich friend of theirs -- also at the restaurant . the first guy told his wife " see, we all have side chicks, just comes with the territory.
the wife indignantly told him that she wouldnt stand for it and wanted a divorce asap .
husband told her to suit herself but it would be the end of the exotic traveling , yacht club , etc . the wife pondered on that for a bit then ' resignedly ' said " well at least our mistress is prettier than his ".
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an atheist in a casket =
a guy all dressed up with nowhere to go.
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Dyslexic kids write to Satan
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or the dyslexic , agnostic , insomniac . up all night pondering if there really is a dog .
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a ' dumb blonde guy's ' wife goes into labor at home . her contractions are 20 seconds apart . the guy calls the ER frantically looking for advice . ER told him to calm down , it'll be ok , and asked him if this was her first child . " no dammit , this is her HUSBAND " ..
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A very, very old couple tottered feebly into a lawyer’s office, fell into the chairs in front of his desk, and the husband quavered, “We want a divorce!”

The lawyer was stunned. These people were close to 100!

”But—why now?” was all he could say.

The wife replied, “Well, we wanted to wait until all the children were dead.”
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Emma,

Cute! 😊
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My candidate for the most cruelly named company that caters to women of a certain age: Sag Harbor.
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a black guy and his mexican friend opened up a restaurant ,
its called " nacho mama's " .
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HOW DO YOU FRIGHTEN A MILENNIAL? Put them in a room with a rotary phone, an analog watch, an old typewriting and a TV with no remote control (add rabbit ears for fun!). Then leave the directions for use in cursive writing.
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lengthy joke , worth it , i think .

a biker is cramming down a country highway very late at night . its pretty deserted so hes speeding a little . out of nowhere a cop nails him for same . the cop says " im gonna get my lieutenant out here and tear this bike apart so you might as well tell me if theres any contraband . oh sht , the biker says .
" actually there is a gun in the front bag and the saddles are filled with drugs " .
so the cop locks him in his patrol car and gets lieutenant out there . absolutely nothing is found .
the lieutenant asked the biker " what gives man ? "
" my patrolman assured me that id find a gun and drugs on this bike " .
yea , the biker said . " i'll bet that f'er told you i was speeding too , didnt he ? ' .
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You're in a room with no doors or windows. Just a mirror and a table.

How do you get out?



You look in the mirror and see what you saw. You take the saw and cut the table in half. Two halves make a whole. Put the hole on the wall and climb out.
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I see that it is almost the time to change our clocks again so I thought I'd post some instructions for those who find this challenging

Smart phone - do nothing, it's magic!
Sundial - move one house to your left
Microwave, range and other kitchen appliances - you'll need a degree in electrical engineering
Car - don't bother, it'll be right again in 6 months
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Very cute, cwille! Love it.
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the two apostles trying to book the venue for the last supper insisted on a table that would seat 26 .

the innkeep pointed out that they only had a party of 13 .

" look , were all gonna sit on one side -- ok ? was the terse reply .
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Love it, captain. Why did I never think of that before? Artists' group think!
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I've been feeling a lot happier
since I switched from coffee in
the morning to orange juice. The doctor
explained that it's the vitamin C
and all the natural sugars, but
I think it's the vodka 😉
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he he he ( cwillie )
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cwille,

My favorite poison is gin but vodka works too!

The only time I gave up coffee was when I was pregnant. Then after she was born, I admit I caved! Completely! Drank coffee while breastfeeding.

Well, you know what they say. What we eat or drink, the baby also eats and drinks. One night I had a nightmare that my daughter was nursing and instead of her consuming milk, she was drinking cafe’ au lait. Hahaha!

I woke up kind of startled by my dream, then cracked up laughing and I did cut back on my coffee after that dream.
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one of marge simpsons sisters thought she was pregnant once , she increased her cigarette consumption on the pretense that ' she was smoking for two now ' .

nobody gets humor as distorted as the simpsons writers imo . love em -- always have .
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Captain,

Too funny! Hahaha 🤣
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