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captain - I love the Simpsons, especially Bart and his pranks.
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homer ( ' s dysfunction ) tickles me . when things have gone tts up , its of course ' everybody's fault but his ' and when the solution is as simple as " stop doing dumb sht " , he can be counted on to lament ; " yea , but whatta ya gonna do ? " .
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cwillie,
i sent your joke to my detective . he'll love it . :P
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send help ,
i just now caught your joke about the tomato garden and the imprisoned son .
hilarious , i'll have a blast with it for a few days . thanks

my detective LOVED it .
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captain - I must be slow or something gone wrong with my brain, but I can't wrap my head around the 26 apostles??
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Llamalover, every picture of the last supper shows all the disciples seated on the other side of a long table, with Jesus in the centre - at least every picture I have seen, and I’ve seen a lot. Thirteen along one side means that with chairs on both sides, you need a table that normally seats 26. Lateral thinking!
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thanks cwillie,
mr " kind of a big deal around here " ( at the forestry ) is always asking how my day is going . im just so sincere and methodical when it comes to the task at hand that he isnt sure if im staying on or grabbing a chainsaw and cutting 60 people in half most days .
he asked me if my morning was going ok this am , in front of a few other people .
i told him that ive been feeling so much better after switching my morning coffee with OJ ---- vitamin -- C --- natural sugars --- , etc , ending up at vodka .

the guy threw back his head and roared . really broke some ice between us . in hindsight , i think he was being pretty assumptive to guess ( so quickly ) that i was kidding . they all know im a booze maker .
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My mom's side of the family is totally Scottish - so much so that the Scottish stereotypes really do apply. There are 4 sisters and of the 4, one has passed from Alzheimer's, one is extremely incapacitated mentally with Alz or some other dementia ( I forget exactly ) and my mom has Alzheimers. They are all VERY energetic. There is one sister who has all her marbles and show no sign of disfunction.

My cousin and I were talking about this situation, and he quipped, " We're like the Highlander series - ' There can be only one'. "

I laughed so hard. Still do...
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Copied from Facebook:

So I was at Walmart earlier...

A lady was looking at frozen turkeys and couldn't find one big enough so she asked a stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

He replied with a straight face "No madam, they're dead."
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Cute, techie!
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At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.
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InMyShoes,

Okay, guess I have a quirky sense of humor. Your joke just cracked me up!

Some may be offended but I find it hilarious 😂.
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An old brit gal's husband passed away rather unexpectedly. The local newspaper explained to her that obits weren't free. The ' headline ' of 6 or less words was free but a charge of . 50 per word applied thereafter .
Fine , the lady replied . Just publish " Fred is dead , rangerover for sale " .
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Captain,

🤣 Love it!
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see, ive been ahead of my time in my thinking .
these clowns have evidently adopted an app that capitalizes sentences for those of us who cant be arsed to do so .
that or one of the moderators has chosen to pick up after me . if thats the case im in need of a live in bottle washer too . :)>
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"Doctor, doctor, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
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just great . now ive got that obnoxious song in my head . im trying to replace it with " my ding a ling " or basically anything .
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its too early in the morning for , say , goth metal .
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" every - body SINNNNG mmm mmm mm, my ding a ling a ling .
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Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
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An old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office having his hearing checked.
The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!”
“Rats,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid went.”
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an older guy and his wife are sitting around after dinner one evening . she's washing a couple of dishes and hes absorbing about his third beer .
from nowhere the guy exclaims " i really love you " .
is that the beer talking ? his wife asked . im TALKING to the beer , said the husband .
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Margaret: Thanks. I just now saw your response way down this list.
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Don't run with bagpipes
You might get kilt
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A blonde woman boards an airplane and sits right down in 1st class. The flight attendant asks to see her ticket and informs her that she is in the wrong seat and she needs to go to the back of the plane.

The blonde flips her hair and says, "I am blonde, I am beautiful and I am going to Chicago!"

The flight attendant says, "That's fine, however, you are in the wrong seat, you don't have a 1st class ticket. You must move to the back of the plane. "

Again the blonde flips her hair and says "I am blonde, I am beautiful and I am going to Chicago."

This happens 3 more times, at which point the flight attendant doesn't have time to deal with this. She goes up and informs the captain of the situation and asks if he will please intervene.

So the captain goes out and tells the blonde that she needs to move to the back of the plane as her ticket is not for 1st class. The blonde flips her hair and repeats, "I am blonde, I am beautiful and I am going to Chicago. "

The captain bends over and whispers in her ear, at which point the blonde screeches, jumps up and runs to the back of the plane.

The flight attendant is amazed that he was able to get her to move so quickly and asks, "How did you do that so easily, what did you whisper to her?"

He responds, "It was simple, I told her that 1st class wasn't going to Chicago. "
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A funny I saw on FB this morning:

"When I told my parents that my husband has the flu, my dad said, 'Have you tried euthanasia?' and in the background my mom yelled, 'For the last time, it's echinachea!'"
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Isthisrealyreal

LOL
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This is one for those of us who speak British.
Two yobs are walking across Trafalgar Square, amid whirling pigeons (as in Mary Poppins ‘feed the birds’). One says ‘What would you do if a bird shat on your head?’. The other thinks for a moment and then replies ‘I don’t think I’d want to see her again’.
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Margaret: LOL - a bird or gal. Now you've got be thinking of The Byrds' "Turn! Turn! Turn!" album.
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the brit sense of ' humour ' tears me up -- love it .

i was reading a clickbait story on the ' daily fail ' a while back about a gal who had a written list of do's and dont's for her fiance .

one commenter wryly stated that " she'd better be dirtier than a coal shovel " to get by with that ..
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