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I own a chewed pencil that Shakespeare once used to write his famous works.
He chewed on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
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Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.
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Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: No, the cars are much faster.
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I Just called the tinnitus hotline.
It didn’t stop ringing.
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In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $6.35.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.
She said “Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings”, so I got her nothing.
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My wife caught me cross-dressing and said it’s over.
So I packed her things and left.
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My wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she hit with was on his phone and drinking a beer.
The police said the man can do whatever he wants in his own living room.
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Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?
Because he finds them on the web.
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The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is…
…you know what? Never mind. It’s FINE.
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Today I got gas for only $1.29.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
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Don’t judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you do judge them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
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Christmas Hint

Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree

Everytime your child acts up throw one of them in the fireplace
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Dog at Christmas says:
First you tell me no sticks or bones in the house.
Then you drag a whole tree in here.
And what is that? An entire skeleton of a bird?

I call a foul!
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"Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa."---Bart Simpson
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I like my candy canes in mint condition!
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A DEA officer comes up to a farmer & declares he is going to search the farm for illegal marijuana crops. Farmer says' "Yup, fine, just stay out of the field over there". The DEA officer retorts "This is a drug investigation" and shows his badge. "You better respect this badge" and decides to start with the suspicious area.

A few minutes later he is running across the field screaming with an angry bull in pursuit. The farmer runs to the fence and yells "Show him your BADGE!"
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Grandma
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and grandpa we believe
She'd been drinking too much eggnog
And we begged her not to go
But she forgot her medication
And she staggered out the door into the snow
When we found her Christmas morning
At the scene of the attack
She had hoof-prints on her forehead
And incriminating Claus marks on her back
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and grandpa we believe
Now we're all so proud of grandpa
He's been taking this so well
See him in there watching football
Drinking beer and playing cards with cousin Mel
It's not Christmas without Grandma
All the family's dressed in black
And we just can't help but wonder
Should we open up her gifts
Or send them back (send them back)
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and grandpa we believe
Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig
And the blue and silver candles
That would just have matched the hair on grandma's wig
I've warned all my friends and neighbors
Better watch out for yourselves
They should never give a license
To a man who drives a sleigh
And plays with elves
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and grandpa we believe
Singin' grandpa
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and grandpa we believe
Merry Christmas
Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Randy Brooks
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There was a cartoon.
Picture Santa Claus kneeling, hands folded in prayer.
Kneeling at the manger, praying to the Baby Jesus.
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to the person who stole my anti depressant medication ;
i hope youre HAPPY now .
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Or suffering from side effects....................:)
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A preacher arrives at church one day to find a dead donkey behind the church.

Unsure what to do, he calls the sheriff. Unfortunately, the sheriff tells the preacher that dead animals are not his jurisdiction and recommends calling the mayor.

Now, the mayor is not the most popular man in town but the preacher is desperate so he makes the call.

After being told of the situation with the dead donkey, the mayor impatiently replies, "Well, isn't it your job to deal with dead beings? Why are you bothering me with this?"

The preacher replies, "You're right. It is my job to deal with dead beings. It's also my job to notify the next of kin."
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My family played a game of Monopoly this week. My 17 year old son is competitive and plays intensely. He is the first to get a monopoly, add houses and even hotels.

Well, his aggression payed off when my 14 year old son couldn't pay the rent on a property with three houses. He had to give his older brother what money he had and return his properties to the bank.

The 17 year quipped, "I guess that's death by "home-icide."
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About a year ago there was a news story of a man in Jerusalem turning 113! he was asked what he felt was the best part of turning 113.

he answered. “No peer pressure”
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A seminary professor was giving his lecture when one of his students fell asleep. The professor noticed this just after he had posed the question, "How can we explain the Trinity?" The professor said, "Mr. Smith, will you answer my last question?" Smith was startled awake at the sound of his name and tried to cover for the fact that he had dozed off and had no idea what the question was. He said, "Professor, I knew the answer to that question, but I forgot." The professor sighed, looked toward the ceiling and said, "Heaven help us. In two thousand years, one person has understood the Trinity, and he forgot."
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Lucille decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."

"But I didn't use them."

'Well, they are here, and you could have." He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous."We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."

"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."

"Well, we have them, and you could have."

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.

"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"

"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
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Two guys meet at a depression group therapy meeting. One says to the other, "What is making you depressed?"
He says, "My mother died last week. What is making you depressed?'
"Mine didn't."
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I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"


A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
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Another innocent comment really did happen to me, when DH1 and I lived in a flat in our 20s, with cheap poster decorations. One was of a nude reaching for the sky, with a gauzy wrap around her hips. A visiting child was only too interested, while DH1 and I thought Whoops and apologised to the parents. Then the little girl said ‘If that lady turned around and dropped the towel (giggle whisper) you could see her bottom’! So we all giggled along with her!
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Sign at a downtown record store: "Big going out of business blowout! All sales vinyl!"
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Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? Because he asked them who their favorite composer was and they kept saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
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The Simpson's quotes, for fun:

Homer:  You wouldn't understand, Dad, you're not with it!

Grampa:  I was with it once!  And then they changed what it was!  And now what I'm with isn't it and what's it seems weird and scary to me!  And it'll happen to you!
******

Grampa: (his medication) The pink ones stop you from screaming!
*****

Homer: Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone.
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Love them, Lilhelp!

My all-time favourite was Mr Burns's: "... it's the greatest breakthrough in industrial relations since the cat-o'-nine-tails!"
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This isn’t a joke per say...

I watch game show network as mindless entertainment at times. I have my favorites. Who doesn’t love Steve Harvey in Family Feud?

Occasionally, I crack up thinking about what a nightmare it would be if I did an episode of Feud with my crazy dysfunctional family. Hahaha
😂 !

Geeeez, my brother would somehow turn the answer into a political debate! My other brother would be drinking a beer and just acting stupid. My mom would be complaining about everything!

My SIL who is married to my nutcase brother has a masters degree in psychology! Go figure! She doesn’t have a job in that field and she wasted money getting an education in psychology only to become wife number 4 to him! Does is get any crazier than that? Now is that funny or completely pathetic? 😂

No telling what Harvey would have to say about the neurotic people in my family.

I do love Family Feud. It would have to be myself, hubby, two daughters and my nephew who is the exact opposite of my brother. He’s a wonderful guy.

What would your family act like on Family Feud? I know somebody’s momma would try to be the host of the show, right? They all think they are still the boss! 😂
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Lol NHWM, I love watching the Game Show Network and Family Feud too. I gotta say I think if you got all of my family together in a public place, or ANYWHERE for that matter, you'd need to bring in Jerry Springer for the freak show that would ensue! Or worst case scenario it would turn into an episode of Cops!
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My family would not show up.
They would say they are coming, but not.
The show hosts would have to go find my hubs. as he would be ghosting. He would be there, but really NOT, ya know?
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Frazzled and Send,

Great responses! Thanks. I needed the chuckle 😂
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Is it okay to say KC (Kansas City Chiefs)?
That is not a political statement, is it?
Will I be in trouble for not saying SF 49ers, when I live in California?
I am so confused.
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Send,

I really do love Family Feud! Since your husband would ‘ghost’ not show up, could I fill in for him? LOL

You could pick, I won’t be picky. I could be your sister, cousin, an in-law. 😂

I play pretty well at home. I love playing along with the family while watching it in television. I will give ALL winning answers!
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Several times yearly I take large items to the less crowded of nearby laundry/cleaners.

At the 1st facility, adults pass the time on iphones, watching games, Dr. Phil, or soap operas on TV, or trying to contain young children. Pretty much adult shows. This facility lets life go on, unrestrained and unrehearsed.

1st facility has rules - no smoking, hoodies, proper attire, running, screaming etc. but does not follow through.

The more conservative of the 2 facilities has tried to make it more kid-friendly. A few toys, children's magazines, and just kiddie shows on TV.

This second facility has also posted on the wall and below the TV screen:

CHILDREN LEFT UNATTENDED WILL BE SOLD TO THE CIRCUS
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I like the one that says

Children left unattended will be
given chocolate and an Espresso
and promised a Puppy
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