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Maturing like a fine wine, but finding it more difficult to get the cork in.
(2)
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If you think pushing 60 is hard, wait till you start dragging it.
(5)
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Everything I can't find is in a totally secure place.
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Despite the high cost of living.... it remains popular.
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A sweet innocent joke, about a little girl visitor sharing a bath with her little boy cousin. Later she says to mother “it’s good that that thing is not on his face”.
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Not necessarily a joke but I told my dad that in light of the toilet paper shortage I was telling my family that there was a two square limit per bathroom trip (not that anyone was listening) He said “if they won’t do that tell them to turn it over and use the other side!” Ugh!!! 🤣
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What do you call fake noodles?


















Impasta!😁
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BECOMING A SENIOR
Barb was lying in bed one night. Larry was falling asleep but Barb was
in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me... "

Mildly irritated, Larry reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek
and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck..."

Angrily, Larry threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" Barb asked.

"To get my teeth!"
(14)
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Heard this today:

Home-schooling Day 1:
2 students expelled for bad behaviour and Teacher suspended for being intoxicated.
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cwille,

So cute! Hahaha
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Hubs and I are on the perfect staycation,
thanks to the coronavirus.

As we contemplate our bellybuttons,
the toilet paper companies contemplate
a rise in their stocks.
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Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
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A cheerful comment from Mamie Van Doren, a bombshell blonde of the Marilyn Monroe era: “I’ve married a few people I shouldn’t have. But haven’t we all?”.
Other times, other ways!
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I love it! Reminds me of a delayed flight & a Scotsman once...😉
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A woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.
‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.
‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’
‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it, give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..’
It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, my g*d ! It was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’
‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor…
‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye. With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups flying, ripped my clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’
‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘ Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’
Oh no, it was the best sex I’ve had in 25 years!
But I’ll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again 😱
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cwille,

😂 hahaha
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If your family forces you to have a big wedding, what fruit must you have at the reception? Cantaloupe
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I tried to explain to my 4-year-old grandson that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he's still making fun of me.
(5)
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The seven ages of man: spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills.
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What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts that a 25-year-old doesn't?

Her navel.
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(WARNING ;-)

You know you're getting old when you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
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Okay, so this one is quite naughty but I laughed like mad when I read it. So proceed at your discretion:



Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
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I'm so old I remember when water was free, and you had to pay for porn.
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Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
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A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.
"I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing," the woman said.
"How old are you?'
"Twenty-six," he said.
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One day a lady was driving on the highway.
She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed within the speed limit.
However, when she looked into her rear mirror, much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind!
And, to make matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights.
She thought to herself, "Uh-oh, what have I done now?
I'm not speeding.
I'm not drinking.
I have my seat belt on!
I have kept up my license dues and everything!" So, she pulled over and the police car pulled over to the side right behind her car.
She drove her car slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down the window, and prepared for a ticket when she knew she didn't deserve it.
A policeman walked up to her window, and spoke to her.
The lady pointed to her ear and shook her head, meaning she was deaf.
The policeman smiled slightly, and knowing sign language, signed back,
"I know. I'm here to tell you that your horn is stuck."
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An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup.
The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
"I've never been better!" he replies.
"I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child!
What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story.
I know a guy who's an avid hunter.
He never misses a season.
But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun." "So he's in the woods," the doctor continues, "and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him!
He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle.
The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in his its chest."
"That's impossible!
Someone else must have shot that bear," the man said.
"Exactly."
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Dog "I hear you two-legged creatures are having some problems at the moment?

Man" well, yes we are".

Dog "I heard you've run out of toilet paper?"

Man "yes, it's very hard to come by."

Dog "I never use the stuff. I just have my two-legged friend trim the hairs around my b&tthole very short & do the busines. No problems at all!"
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A friend sent me a picture of a floor plan of a home. The caption says "Looking at the map for some weekend travel ideas"

Haha
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I saw a funny post that said we are all about 3 weeks away from finding out everybody's true hair color.
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