Follow
Share
Read More
Find Care & Housing
My SIL told me that she had spent two days in her bathrobe which is actually a long nightshirt. There was a worker who came by each of those days. To be her humorous self, she said, well you have seen me rather risque these days. The worker said back, don't worry, I want tell my wife. :) Debra has quite a sense of humor!
(3)
Report

"My dad called 9-1-1 late one night to report hitting a 6 foot tall chicken while driving & running off into the ditch. He had just crashed his car & his voice was a bit shaky on the phone. The operator asked him to repeat himself a couple of times and then promised to send someone to help.

The first cop on the scene got out of his car with a breathe analyzer in hand. By the time he got back to the dispatcher, he was laughing hysterically over the radio telling people that it wasn't a DUI call. My dad actually did hit a 6 foot tall chicken.

That's the night my dad and all the local cops learned about the emu farm."
(6)
Report

My house got TP'd last night. It's now worth half a million more.
(9)
Report

Bookluvr, belly laugh. Thank you!
(1)
Report

Two items from the Funny/Not funny Corona Vault:

The first - not really a joke, but funny in an “OMG! Are you kidding” kinda way...
I went to pay for a take-out order at a local restaurant. They are no longer accepting CASH. Credit cards only. How upside down is that? Cash is no longer good in our new Corona world?

The second is a meme I saw on FB that isn’t nearly as funny in describing as it is seeing - but still...
Its a picture of a man sitting on a couch with a large dog sitting on each side of him. The man is wearing a large Cone of Shame. The speaking bubble above one of the dogs heads says: “We told you not to touch your face. This is for your own good”. Funny. Especially to dog lovers, I expect.
(6)
Report

Rainmom - customers can swipe or tap their own plastic (credit/debit), cash needs to be handled by staff and will be passed along to other customers.
(1)
Report

No, I get it, cwillie. I’ve always heard that money is one of the most germ covered items on the planet.

But even so - it just seems to be so symbolic of this devastating place in history.

For years, Ive patroned a number of small businesses who don’t take credit cards. The 2-4% charge that the credit card vendors charge the small business owners has a real impact on their bottom line.

But of course, in this time of needing to stay as low risk as possible when it comes to germs and illness - safety by far overrides the almighty dollar.

While it is completely logical - I find it a significant market in our rapidly changing world.
(1)
Report

I was watching several YouTubes from China. It seems everyone have cellphones and internet access - from teenagers to the elderly. They book/pay for their transportation, rent, grocery shopping, etc.. via their cellphone. When they purchase something, they put their cellphone back-to-back to the seller's cellphone... The commenter said that they don't carry cash. Everything is done through their cellphone.... And if you anger the gov't, they can threaten you with denied access to the internet. No internet, no access to your online funds.
(1)
Report

bookluvr - your comment about Chinese people having cellphone as a necessity is correct. News reported that in China 21 MILLION cellphone lines disappeared in the last 3 months while at the same time last year there was an increase in users. What happened to those 21 million people? The Chinese government only reported 3277 deaths due to coronavirus. Anyone believes them?

Sorry, I know this is a joke thread. No more non-joke from me here.
(2)
Report

Hey there people! Let's keep this page for the funnies, PLEASE. I come to get some relief from the big stresses in my life, to escape for a minute or two...

Please don't post your world worries here, there are other great AgingCare pages to post those on and to get great support/feedback.

Take care, stay calm, be kind, and stay home if you can.
Currently, I'm enjoying a book on anti-gravity.
I just can't put it down!
(1)
Report

Also, I got a new deodorant today...
The instructions said:
"Remove cap and push up bottom."
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

;-)))))
(3)
Report

This one's about a Bacon Tree (use your best Mexican accent, guidance given below):

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"
 
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

With that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:

"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it? "



"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...


Ees....

Ees...


Ees...
Ees...


Ees...


Ees....
 
… a HAM BUSH!"
(4)
Report

I've been keeping company with a spider. It has an Interesting web design.
(3)
Report

If you see me talking to myself this week, mind your own business. I'm having a parent-teacher conference.
(4)
Report

Dear God...

... my prayer for 2020 is for a big FAT bank account and a THIN body.

Please don't mix these up like you did last year.

AMEN.
(6)
Report

There once was a man and a woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other... except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open it or ask her about it.
For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would never recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it he found 2 beautifully crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000. He asked her about the unusual contents.
"When we were married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."
The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and happiness.
"Sweetheart," he said... "that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it all come from?"
Oh," she said, " that's the money I made from selling the doilies."
(9)
Report

30 days has September,April,June and November. All the rest have 31 except for March which has 8,000.
(10)
Report

Something that might give someone else a chuckle too. Our state city has a ‘Peep-a-View’ that is a local joke for frustration. The customer pays to watch a girl stripper behind a window, and every time she gets to something interesting, a blind comes down slap. The customer has to pay again (and again and again) to get the blind up and keep it going. It’s upstairs immediately opposite the Law Courts, with an ad for it on the street. As you can imagine, this is the source of a few more local jokes about professions.

Our news had a story yesterday about the police arresting both customer and ‘personal service provider’ in a brothel interstate, for failing to keep the new 2 meter personal distancing regulation. Brothels have to close! And so ...bonanza for Peep-a-View!

Thank heavens laughing is still legal. At least it was yesterday, it seems to change every day.
(3)
Report

This may not be the place, but here it goes.

I call my dad everyday and this morning I asked him how he was handling the stay at home order issued by his state.

He replies, "Just what does stay at home mean?" I promptly said, "Stay at home! It is not a secret code!"

Are people really not understanding what that means?

Is it secret code to rush out to every grocery store and buy toilet paper? Hmmm?
(6)
Report

Isthisrealyreal,

It must be!! I heard that the manufactures of toilet paper are working overtime to ensure there is enough TP for everyone; however, that doesn't help if people keep hoarding it! Right!!
(2)
Report

*I've started a business selling toilet paper.  I'm on a roll.

*Life is like a roll of toilet paper.  The closer you get to the end, the faster it seems to go.

*I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.

*What did the man say to the bartender? I’ll have a corona, hold the virus.

*The bank teller was relieved the masked person was a robber, and didn't have corona.
(5)
Report

Lil,

Cute!
(2)
Report

"I had to teach my brother how to drive his car through the car wash. Mind you, I was 17 and had not yet started driving myself. We go to the gas station, & he looked at me. He said, “Hey, you go out with dad all the time. How do I get a car wash?”
 
I stared at him bewildered, then told him to go inside & say he wanted to buy a car wash, pay and bring out the receipt. He does this, then asks me what he should do next. I told him to drive to the car wash, so he did. He seriously sat there & asked me what to do next. I told him to roll your window down, type in the code on the receipt, & then you drive in. He did exactly that. He drove in & we started getting hosed.
 
I yelled at him, “And you put the window up! You put the window up!” It never occurred to me that I would need to tell someone that you don’t leave your windows down in a car wash."
(5)
Report

Coronavirus joke vault.

Im sure this would be funnier if you
could actually see it - another meme on FB...

Its a pic of Hannibal Lecter - close up of his face. The caption is Hannibal saying “Don’t worry. When the food runs out - we still have each other.”
(4)
Report

RainMom, before I finished reading the joke, I anticipated that Lecter would be shown writing in agony and dying of CV.    I thought of a few dictators I'd like to see get CV.
(0)
Report

If you drive a car made in Czechoslovakia, should the Czech engine light be on all the time?
(5)
Report

The Senility Prayer: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

I would be unstoppable, if I could only get started......

As you get older, your secrets are safe with your friends. They can't remember them either.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing. 
:) lil
(8)
Report

Lil,

Awesome! 😊
(3)
Report

NeedHelpWMom: TY!  You're awesome!  :) lil
(1)
Report

Poster works at the airport transferring checked baggage from the truck into the aircraft.

"Women: if you pack a toy in your bag, take the batteries out. Because if I’m loading your bag, & I hear it vibrating, I have to tell my lead. Then my lead has to come pull you off the aircraft. You have to open your bag & turn off your toy in front of a bunch of giggling grown arse men."
(5)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter