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97yearoldmum posted this on another site, and it’s too good not to share it here. Thanks, OP!

*  Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. 
  The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

 *  I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

 *  I need to practice social distancing - from the refrigerator

 *  Still haven't decided where to go for Easter -- The Living Room or The Bedroom

 *  PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit.
   Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

 *  Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

 *  I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

 *  This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.  I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.

*  So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?

*  Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

*  My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it 
   cleans the toilet.

 *  Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

*  I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

 *  I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.

 *  Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

*  Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.

 *  Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under
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Riverdale: That's funny about The Sound of Music! I told my husband that we're going to be watching Mary Poppins!😁
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Charlie Brown: "Someday, we will all die, Snoopy".

Snoopy: "Yes, but on all the other days we will not".


🐘🐘🐘🐘🐘🐘
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Looking back at my 1975 high school senior photo, it will not be much longer for my curvy, wavy hair to grow over my ears and down my back like it was then. The only difference will be the color will be white instead of red. :) :) :)

A good friend of mine from high school thinks if this goes on much longer that she'll be able to sit on her long hair again like she could back then. That's a lot of hair and it was beautiful!
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Think of the money that we are saving on hair appointments! Well, my stylist cost more than my husband’s stylist.

Gas money too.

Restaurant and coffee shops.

What else?

Wait, what are we spending more on? I can’t think of anything at the moment.
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I think after the stay at home order is lifted, everyone will need a haircut. Better get your appointment scheduled right away to save your spot.
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No joke, Polar - you may have hit on a way of saving many small businesses from going bankrupt.

If all of their customers do indeed schedule an appointment, that hairdresser will have a big fat full order book to show her/his bank when negotiating a short-term loan.

Since we don't know when we'll be allowed back to the salons, customers could buy a ticket and then be contacted in ticket number order when it's time to confirm bookings.
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Fave sis thought I was crazy when I decided to go to the salon to have my hair cut really short. This was after all gov't offices closed but before any executive orders for non-essential business to close. I hate it when my hair goes past my shoulder because it tends to flip out - like that old TV show "That Girl". No matter how much I try to flip it in (gel, spray) - it will just flip back out. My current short haircut should last me 3 months before it starts flipping.
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"For a few months when I was little, we had ‘surprise’ for dinner. Not because we were poor (we were but it wasn’t why) but because my 4 year old self tore all the labels off the cans when my mom wasn’t looking. My mom said she learned two things:
1. Cans of fruit are generally larger than cans of vegetables and
2. They bought way too many cans of beans."
-Reddit
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How was Howard Hughes like Coronavirus?

He could travel anywhere.
He could shelter in place.
He could buy off Hollywood.
He could buy off politicians.

But he could never buy clean hands.
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Netflix should change their message from,"Are you still watching" to "You should take a shower and come back"
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Bookluvr, I laughed out loud about surprise dinners.

Sometimes I will ask my husband if there is anything he feels like for dinner, I am looking for ideas and he will say, surprise me!

So I serve nothing and say surprise, no dinner!

He doesn't think it is as funny as I do😁
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To polarbears comment regarding haircuts - a meme my hubby just showed me cuz I keep lamenting missing my upcoming hair appointment...

”If you think toilet paper is bad, just wait until 300 million people want a
hair appointment for the same day”.
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Woman talking to an officer that pulled her over for failure to stop.
“I thought you didn’t give pretty girls tickets?”
“Pardon me?”
“I thought you didn’t give pretty girls tickets?”
“You didn’t think we gave pretty girls tickets? You’re absolutely right. We don’t. Sign here.”
-Reddit
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Im not sure why I put my lipstick 💄 on & then put on my mask 😷.....before going out for my daily walk or trips to supermarket or to get supplies for my mother 🙏🏼
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When does season 2 of 2020 start? I don't like season 1.
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Yes indeed Riverdale and I hope there aren't any reruns.
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There seem to be a lot of jokes circulating around here. This lot goes:-

Sitting on the couch and my husband said quietly ‘The good part of all this is I get to spend more time with you’. I turned my head and looked at him lovingly, and realised he was talking to the dog.

My wife said if I don’t get off the computer and do something helpful she’d slam my head into the keyboard, but I think she’s jokiq[qweiprvjh fiugncpeohnc ;lzdohcn

Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like “See? This is why I chew the furniture”.

This one comes with a picture of a hole in the lawn, about 7feet by 2:
Day 8 of quarantine. My wife has taken up gardening but she won’t tell me what she’s going to plant.

Love to all, Margaret
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Margaret, I’m eating late breakfast while reading here. I almost choked on the 1st one about husband and their dog - laughing. That’s my favorite of the list you posted. 👍
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Glad you liked it, bookie. Here’s one that was the end of the list and I didn’t see:

*Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We’re told ‘no’ if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

PS I loved your one about the surprise dinners! I've just cleaned out most of my kitchen cupboards, and yes, I had too many cans of beans!
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This isn’t really funny, but it’s an indication of how shell shocked we are. I woke in the night following a solid dose of drugs for back pain, and as I walked to the toilet the screen on the computer came on with a headline that I read (groggily) as ‘US hit by giant tomatoes’. My first thought was ‘Oh the poor buggers’, before I looked again and registered ‘giant tornadoes’.
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That was so very funny, Margaret!
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Yeah Margaret, funny!!! That's next. First Corona virus.....then killer tomatoes!
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Margaret the reason I'm crying with laughter is that your first response wasn't "WHAT???!" It was resigned sympathy. For a moment there you thought it was just one dam' thing after another, didn't you!
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Yes, CM, that's just what I thought! I'm still sure that it isn't funny for the people hit by the tornadoes, but....
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"One day, my 3 year old son was being absolutely awful: kicking, biting, pulling my hair, slapping me in the face – just having a really bad day. So, I’m trying to put a diaper on him and the downstairs neighbors called the cops for a noise violation. When I answered the door, the cops asked if they could search the home.
 
They found the suspect, and then proceeded to educate him on domestic violence.
 
It was brilliant."
- Reddit ??
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Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not to prevent the virus but to stop eating.
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Visualize a meme with an obese couple at the end of the stay at home rule. The husband says to the wife. "How do we get out of the door?" ha, ha, ha, ha
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When police pulls over a famous or well-known person for drunk driving, that famous line never fails to come out of their mouth. Below is one city cop's reaction to this:

Whenever someone would get all huffy and demand, “Do you know who I am?” … He would immediately get on his radio and say, “This is going to be a psychiatric case. Subject doesn’t know who he is.”
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book,

That reminds me of a true story with a funny ending. Williamsburg, VA was being restored, but the old mental health hospital there was still in use. A patient was out in the yard working when Mr. Rockefeller walked by and said hello I'm J. D. Rockefeller to which the patient replied and I'm Napoleon. Each of them thought the other was mentally ill.
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