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Unbelievable! A person can walk into a store now to buy weed, but must meet their hairdresser in a dark alley with cash to get a haircut.
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Lauren:
My dad took me out to practice driving when I was 17. At one point, he told me to stop and get out of the car in the middle of the road. 

“Look at the car! Look at the lane! Which one is bigger?”

I said, “The lane?”

“THEN STAY IN IT!”

Mom paid for me to have private lessons after that.
        
(4)
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DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED;)).

Why do Brunettes and Redheads like to sit around and tell blonde jokes?
What else are they going to do on Saturday nights?

What do Chubby people and Mopeds have in common?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
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Hello. You have reached The Seasons. Due to extremely heavy call volume please call back at a later time with your request for Spring to start.
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Here’s another headline I had to read a couple of times, even when fully awake: ‘Plane spotting flies in the face of CoronaVirus lockdowns’.
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I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT ENJOY A LITTLE CHURCH HUMOR.
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."
The pastor hollered out "GRACE."
The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."
The Pastor said "SEX". The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES".
Pass this along to some other old fogey so they can smile today. (I just did)
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"My friend was cleaning a septic tank. He was a pretty salty guy and kept cussing and pulling out blockages. When the home owner asked what that was, my friend told him that every time he screwed his old lady, and flushed the condoms, they end up blocking his pump.
 
It got real quiet and the guy says, "I built this house 5 years ago. I've had a vasectomy 7 years ago."
 
He looked at his wife.  She took off running, and the guy took off after her. My friend said that he just quit and packed up knowing he wasn't going to get paid."
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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house…………. and left it there all night.
(15)
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Metoo, that is so funny! I didn’t chuckle. I laughed loud and long.
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A TV show displayed a cardboard sign on a mailbox. It said "Mailbox quarantine. No bills accepted at this time." 
:) 
:) 
:)
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I just looked on Ebay for a couple of tons of chicken manure for farm fertiliser. To my surprise, it came up under ‘Condition: Used first”. DH says Nah, we can afford “New with tags”.
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"I was with my German class at a German food place when a girl from my class started choking. She tried to drink water and it just came spilling back out. Turns out both a doctor and a nurse were in the place (not together). They ended up arguing about what to do because the Heimlich maneuver helped her a bit (she was able to get some air) but the food was still lodged.
 
After a minute of them bickering, a large Australian dude (this was in the US) came over, told them they were both idiots, and flipped the 16 year old girl upside down. He gave her a hard whack on the back, food came flying out, and he sat back down and finished his dinner."
- Reddit (?)
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Fellow reported that after the neighborhood kids toilet papered his house, the value estimate went up to $775,000
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Some jokes are getting repeated in around a week or so.
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“They say that you can’t fix STUPID. Seems you can’t QUARANTINE it either”.
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Some people's hearing is bad. They hear Jesus' words to repent and sin no more as repaint and thin no more.
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Re-interpretation:
Repaint and grin no more....
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Kinda starting to understand why pets try to run out of the house when the door opens
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Riverdale, I went back three weeks on the site, and nothing was repeated. ???
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Margaret,the joke about a house being TP'd was a close version of a repeat.
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Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
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"I had a coworker whose morning routine involved taking her daily pill at the same time she gave her cat a treat. One morning, she absentmindedly popped the cat treat in her mouth and swallowed it, instead of the pill. She said the poor cat was sitting there with his mouth open for his treat and the most confused look she’d ever seen on his face while she realized what she’d just done."
- Reddit
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On average a Panda feeds for approximately 12 hours a day. This is the same as an adult at home under quarantine, which is why we call it a "Pandemic".
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There's a picture online of an Inn's sign saying "Free Rooms.  Toilet Paper $99."

*If that's on here already, don't throw a rock at me.   :)  lil
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How long is this social distancing supposed to last? My husband keeps trying to get back in the house.
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Another thing that zombie movies got wrong: they didn't include any scenes of people on the street demanding their right to be eaten by zombies.
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The quarantine demonstrates there are two types of people
1 I'm using my time at home to deep clean, bond with my family, and take some online classes
2 I just at a whole carrot cake with my fingers...
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Eating carrots helps your eyes.
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I'm in trouble if it comes to having to hunt for our food. I don't even know where Little Debbie lives.
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".

The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist.

"I am" replied the man "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in management".

"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!!!
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