Follow
Share
Read More
Some chemist jokes:

What do you do with a sick chemist?
Well if you can't helium, and you can't curium, you might as well barium.
AND
The accident victim was losing blood rapidly. The paramedics told him that he needed an immediate transfusion, and asked if he knew his blood group. They said that that his chances weren’t good. His last words were, "Be positive."
(7)
Report

One night at the supper table my father is talking about the "old man" in a newspaper article. I just had to ask..
Me: So how old is the man in the paper?
Dad: 64
Me: And you are how old?
Dad: 66
Me: Does this mean we can officially start calling you an old man now?
Dad: I guess so.
Me: Does this mean you plan on stepping out of the way and letting the younger folks have a chance? No more attending the planning commission meetings and showing the city's young building department people how little they know about historic building structures and methods?
Dad: NO! If they can't take the time to research before publicly offering an stupid recommendation that's their problem.
(5)
Report

When does money fall from the sky?


When there is change in the weather.

:)
(10)
Report

Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.” “Really? Why do you think so?” “I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”
(7)
Report

Another chemist joke:

Pharmacist asked his assistant what a patient needed. "He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any" said the assistant "so I sold him a bottle of laxatives." The pharmacist says, "You can't treat a cough with a laxative!" "Yes you can" said the assistant "Look at him... he's far too scared to cough."

And one for all of us:

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the blazes happened!
(7)
Report

Three laughable ways to make a (temporary) living:

1) People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a good electrician.

2) Sometimes, I just wish to die peacefully in my sleep, like my uncle, and not screaming in horror, like the passengers on his bus.

3) When William joined the army he got nervous about the phrase 'fire at will'.
(3)
Report

A long-ago comment from Mae West: All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

And one from Phyllis Diller: Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
(7)
Report

Copied from Facebook:

Q: If 2020 was a drink, what would it be?

A: Colonoscopy prep.
(2)
Report

Copied from somewhere else: If 2020 was a drink, what would it be?

Bleach!
(2)
Report

Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.

Something here about golden brothers and stainless steel sisters?
(0)
Report

My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia
She said she would never want to place that burden on me..

I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.

***
Sorry to hear about your dementia...
But do you have that 10 grand you owe me?

Ok, we need humor.... or go insane.... what part did I miss?
(9)
Report

"What do we want?"
"A cure for dementia!"

"When do we want it?"

"Want what?"
***************
They say that you are what you eat...
I don't remember eating a person with dementia
***************
(12)
Report

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
Eleanor Roosevelt
(8)
Report

Possibly racy?

I would say something about up against the wall, but that would be too racy.
(0)
Report

lilhelp you are funny.

Notrydoyoda, you would be censored by the joke police for being racy. But I think that we all get it without it being said.
(2)
Report

Photo of an occupied bird's nest between a car's mirror and window glass with the caption "When you realize how long its been since you've gone anywhere."
(6)
Report

My ‘heads up’ is that I bought a second hand book in the Op Shop entitled ‘Awful Jokes For Australian Kids’, when I was down in town the last few days. I’m trying to make a smile every day, but these jokes are purer than most Australian kids of my knowledge. I'm trying to pick them, but it will teach me to be a bit more tolerant of ‘filth’! Here's a couple that are the (living?) end.

A taxi driver was having a good old moan to his fare about back seat drivers and how much they annoyed him. The fare says’ Well I’ve been driving for years and I’ve never been annoyed by a back seat driver”. “Don’t believe you. What did you drive?” Answer: “A hearse”.

The deceased’s will was being read aloud to the family after the funeral. It was all very solemn until the lawyer got to ’and to my brother Bruce, who kept saying that I should remember him in my will, G’day Bruce’.
(1)
Report

We take our smartest people and fling them out into space.
(2)
Report

Would a truly smart person agree to be flung in to outer space?

Danger Will Robinson DANGER!
(2)
Report

The smartest people referred to in my home are the astronaut.😀
(0)
Report

Hi, what are you up to today?

A friend and I are going to buy some glasses.

And after that?

After that we'll see....
(7)
Report

Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings:

Teacher asks ‘If you have ten lollies and your sister asks you for four, how many do you have left?’
Prompt answer: Ten.

A four year old was drawing one of those pencil pictures that end up on the fridge door. The kindergarten teacher asked what it was. Little girl says ‘God’. Teacher says ‘But no-one knows what God looks like’. Little girl says crossly ‘They will when I’ve finished’.
(4)
Report

You can leave money unattended in a room with me and every dime will still be there when you get back. If you leave M&Ms or something, well that's a different story.
(9)
Report

The joys of good behavior:

"It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen". Mamie van Doren

A group of bikies were having a snack in a motoway cafe, when they started taking the mickey out of a short bloke having a coffee. He got up quietly and left. The bikies laughed as he walked out, and shouted “Not much of a he-man, you might say”. The girl behind the counter said a couple of minutes later “Not much of a driver either. He’s just backed his semi-trailer over eight motor bikes".
(7)
Report

Encouragement for Frazzled Mama:

“I finally got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts. However it was a rocky road.”
(9)
Report

Haha Margaret I love rocky road too! :)
(2)
Report

Toilet humor for a change from chocolate:

If people are talking behind your back, just fart.

Question: What's the difference between popcorn and pea soup?
Answer: Anyone can pop corn.
(2)
Report

I saw an add for "Quarantine Beer" it was a 96-pack
(2)
Report

The other day I saw Jimmy Peterson, my best friend from 2nd grade, on the street. I went up to him and said, "Hi Jimmy, you old reprobate! How you doin'?" and I slapped him on the back and laughed, but he started crying and screaming and he ran away.

Then I realized, if that really were Jimmy Peterson, he'd have grown up too...
(6)
Report

Another round of covid jokes

I heard the government is putting chips inside of people....
I hope I get doritos.


We're going to have to stop using the expression "avoid it like the plague", because it turns out people do not really do that


Covid is starting to feel like the check engine light - at first it freaks you out but after a while you're like "meh, I gotta get to work"
(13)
Report

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter