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I heard a few good ones from my sweet mom...

The three hardest things to say...

1. I was wrong.
2. I need help.
3. Worcestershire sauce


A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"

The husband, a non-romantic, replied: "I am in the bathroom. Please advise."


I went line dancing last night. Well, it was a roadside sobriety test...same thing.


I asked my grandpa, "After 65 years, you still call Grandma darling, beautiful, and honey. What's the secret?"

He said, "I forgot her name five years ago and I'm scared to ask her."
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I am sure that this will resonate with many here.

What's the difference between in-laws and out-laws?












Out-laws are wanted!
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A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, “When are you going to pay for these beers?”
The man answers, “Now the problems start!”
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My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are. 
But I laugh more.
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Yeah! New posters! Thanks!
The news is so dreadful that we all need a smile. Here are some uplifting thoughts to make us all feel just so much better:

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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How religion by-passes some of the young:

A Sunday school teacher is discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment 'Honour thy father and thy mother,' she asks, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
One boy immediately answers 'Thou shall not kill.'

Two boys were walking home on Sunday after hearing a good old fashioned Hellfire sermon. One says to the other, 'What do you think about this Satan stuff?'
The reply? 'Well, you know how Father Christmas turned out. It's probably just your Dad dressed up.'
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Sendhelp just posted to the thread entitled: What are you reading right now?

"Due to the Stay-at-home order, I finished 3 books yesterday,

and believe me, that's a lot of coloring."

Love it! And also the excuse on another thread "Sorry, I have to wash the cat".
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Good job!
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Has Coronavirus forced you to wear a mask and glasses at the same time?

If so, you may be entitled to condensation.
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My daughter and I once washed my brother's cat. It did not go well! lol
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A couple of ‘It’s my fault, I was crazy to marry him’ statements:

Q: What do you have in common with your husband?
A: We were both married on the same day.

I should have realised - Body by Nautilus, brain by Mattel.
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Jellyfish have survived 650 million years, despite not having a brain.

This gives so many people hope!
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Jellyfish have survived 650 million years, seapite not having a brain.

This gives so many people hope.
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Despite the high cost of living.... it remains popular.
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An English Lord said to his son, “Harry, it is time to get married. How about Princess Anne of Cornwall?”
-“No father, she gossips too much.”

“How about Lady Elizabeth of Kent?”
-“No father, she plays cards too much.”

”Well, who then?”
-“Father... the gardener has such a handsome son...”

”Harry! He’s Roman Catholic!”
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A broken mirror is seven years bad luck.

A broken condom is eighteen.
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Groucho Marx: ‘Whoever named it ‘necking’ was a poor judge of anatomy.’
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“I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.”
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Work: Getting to the top, starting from the bottom

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up, you’re on the job.

And:

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
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With commiserations to all those whose friends and relatives have suffered in the business downturn:

Business is so bad, even the shoplifters have stopped coming.

Oscar Wilde: It’s better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Two of the town’s manufacturers met. ‘Trade’s bad’ said one. ‘I heard that your factory burned down today’. ‘Sssh’ said the other ‘It’s tomorrow.’

Before you argue with the boss, take a look at both sides – his side and outside.
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I shouldn't have left this one off the list – the worst one for people who have leased a shop!:

Business is so quiet you can hear the overheads piling up.
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Once you reach the age of 40 and after, you've gotta sit on the edge of the bed and warm up like an old Buick before you get up.
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Frazzled: Too funny. Ergo, I'm well beyond "the edge of the bed" thing.
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Running out of jokes, so I bought a book about work. Some famous people said:

The Peter Principal: In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence. Laurence J. Peters

Parkinson’s Law: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
C. Northcote Parkinson

The volume of paper expands to fit the size of the briefcase. Jerry Brown

More to come when I get back from trip to town!
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One for the road, from DH's car club:

I woke up exhausted this morning.
I dreamed I was a muffler.
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Time to recycle the toilet paper.

No, NO, not the paper, the toilet paper jokes!
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New uses for masks:

1) Add some M & M's inside and snack on the go.
2) Wear your mask to bed, and just slip it up over your eyes and use it as a sleep mask to block out the light, sleep better.

You got anything?
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I like the M&M's in the mask memes too, I made my masks with extra space in front to keep them away from my face so I have plenty of room for a whole bag!
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Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly. 

Today I’m putting the cockroach in the bathroom.
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DOES ANYONE KNOW WHICH PAGE OF THE 
BIBLE EXPLAINS HOW TO TURN WATER INTO WINE? 

ASKING FOR A FRIEND
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