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Perhaps I should have said 'Oedipus + Freud'.
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My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
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My resumé is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.
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This isn't a joke, but one of the funny stories I've collected during my husband's dementia journey. My hubby was hospitalized for almost 2 months last summer due to his dementia. It was, as you can imagine a very stressful ordeal for both of us. One morning when I walked into my husband's room he looked at me like he'd never seen me before & he said, "You are a Fox! Who do you go home with at night?" I laughed out loud for a long time. I was thankful to have this funny moment during a very stressful time😊 God bless all of my fellow caregivers❤
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We lent daughter a super-dooper nutcracker for macadamia nuts, which have hard sharp shells that are very uncomfortable under-foot. Daughter says to grandson, age 5, ‘I hope you haven’t left any more shells on the floor’. Grandson, looking more angelic than usual, says ‘No. But some of them flew away’.
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This joke forum is a life-saver!
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You know what they say: feed a cold, starve a fever, drink a corona.
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A little boy asked his grandpa, "Where does poo come from?" Grandpa was taken aback, but tried to give him the best simple explanation of the biology of it that he could. The boy looked shocked. He stared awkwardly for a few seconds and hesitatingly asked, "And what about Tigger?"
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Many years from now, we will be regaling our Covid years to the grandchildren. What we did for toilet paper:
We had to wipe our butts on the lawn.
In the snow.
Uphill.
Both ways.
While fighting off murder hornets.
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Clarlady asked what the abbreviation DH means. I found this response from Beatty really funny, and it made my own DH laugh out loud:

'My Dear Hubby told me he always thought it stood for D*#k Head 😜. He asked to be represented instead as HOM (hot older male). I suggested HOG (hot older gentleman) but in my head was Hairy Old Guy. '

Not my own DH - he's bald!
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Lol Send, the picture your comment brought to mind. Running downhill with poo running down our legs and murder hornets in hot pursuit.

By the time grandchildren get to that age murder hornets will be extinct and there will be execution wasps. They'll have little guillotine stingers. Oh the joy!😰
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I used to cough to hide a fart. Now I fart to hide a cough!
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I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received from the staff in the last 10 years.
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I went back to ‘Awful Jokes for Aussie Kids’ yesterday, but they were just too awful to post. eg
Q: What starts with an E and ends with an E, but has only one letter in it?
A: An envelope. Groan!

However this morning found a great ‘Aussie Bloke’ postcard message for our local wine district:
‘Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer’
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I invented a new word: Plagiarism!
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A guy is walking down a hospital hallway with a doctor friend of his. As they pass a room they see a man masturbating furiously. "My God", the guy says, "what is he doing?" The doctor explains that the man has a very, very rare disease and that masturbation is the only effective treatment. The guy and doctor pass another room and they see a man receiving oral sex from a beautiful, young nurse. "What's wrong with that patient?" the guy asks. "Oh", the doctors says, "he has the same rare disease but he has a much better healthcare plan."
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Two tourists are driving through Louisiana. As they approach Natchitoches, they start arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argue back and forth until they stop for lunch. As they stand at the counter, one tourist asks the employee, "Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you pronounce the name of this place..very slowly"?
The girl leans over the counter and says.."Burrrrrgerrrrrr, Kiiiiing".
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The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person that upset you.
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There was a sign on an orange cone:

"Covid testing in the rear."
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Because of COVID -

I got pulled over in the HOV lane for driving alone. I said that due to social distancing, my passenger was in the car behind me.

So in retrospect, in 2015, not single person got the answer right to "Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?"

Everything for summer has been cancelled...Let's just put up the Christmas tree and call it a year!!!
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A very shy guy goes into a bar, he sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar and after an hour of gathering his courage he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "UM would you mind if I chatted with you a while?"
She responds by yelling at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is looking at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes the woman walks over and apologies. She smiles and says, "I'm sorry I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I am studying how people respond to embarrassing situations".
To which he responds at the top of his lungs..."What do you mean $200?"
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The 7 year old comes home and tells her mom that a little boy in the park asked her to play doctor.
"Oh, dear, the mother sighs. "What happened honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes then double billed the insurance company"
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The judge asked the defendant what his name is.

The defendant answered: my name is Joshua your honor.

The judge asked: Are you the Joshua that made the sun stand still?

Defendant answered: No sir! I am the one that made the moonshine.
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If God approved of nudist camps, we would all have been born naked.
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My husband and I decided to rewrite our wills.

Plain and simply stated: "Being of sound mind and disposing memory, we spent it all!"
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Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?


All of my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
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A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
"Tomorrow" his wife angrily told him, "there better be something in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in two seconds!"
Next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package on the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it...and found a brand new ...bathroom scale....


Funeral services have been set for her husband for Saturday.
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The Zen Master steps up to the hot dog cart and says.."Make me one with everything"
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20.00 bill. The hot dog vendor puts it in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.
"Where's my change?" the Zen Master asks.
The vendor responds...."Change must come from within"
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A defense lawyer was cross-examining a police officer who arrested his client; the case hinges on the trustworthiness of the officers involved in the arrest:

Lawyer: “Now then Officer Smith, would you say that you trust your fellow officers?”

Officer Smith: “Yes sir absolutely, I trust them with my life.”

Lawyer: “I see. Now tell me, do you have a communal locker room at your station?”

Officer Smith: “We do…”

Lawyer: “And do you have locks on those lockers?”

Officer Smith: “Yes”
(Lawyer grins, smugly turns to face the jury and pulls on his lapels)

Lawyer: “But I don’t understand Officer Smith, if you trust your fellow officers why do you need locks? Isn't it a bit strange that you say you would trust someone with your life but not your wallet?”

Officer Smith: “Ah well you see sir, we share our building with a courtroom and occasionally lawyers have been known to walk through there…”
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Now that I've lived during a plague, I understand why most renaissance paintings paintings are of chubby women laying around without a bra.
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