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A State employee, first week on the job and he is assigned to paint lines on the road.
On the first day he paints 6 miles, and his supervisor is amazed.
the second day he paints only 3 and on the third day only 1. Disappointed his boss asks what the problem is. the guy replies...Well sir every day I have to walk farther and farther back to the bucket of paint.
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Here's some good (albeit tongue in cheek) advice for 2020

TREAT YOUR MASK LIKE UNDERWEAR

Do not touch or adjust (especially in public).
Do not borrow or lend.
Make sure fit is tight but comfortable.
Make sure it is clean.
Wear the right side out.
If it is damp, change it.
Don't go commando.
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Ewww yuck, tongue in cheek!

Thinkie about it!
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I got a real tough penance from the priest. He told me to do a decade of the rosary. The good news is I have only one more year to go.
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Put your brains to work...
Which one of the following does not belong with the others:
Binoculars, Eyeglasses, Goggles, Handlebars, Jeans, Pliers, Scissors, Shoes, Tweezers?




















Shoes are the only "pair" that actually has two separate pieces.
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Remember when you were little and all your underwear had the days of the week on them. Those would be helpful right now.
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'I don’t know anything about music. In my line you don’t have to.' Elvis Presley
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A genie granted a man a single wish. The man said, "I wish to live forever!"
"Sorry." said the genie. "That's the one wish I can't grant."
"In that case," said the man, "I want to live until the day that the government is filled with honest men and women whose sole and only wish and purpose is to do their best possible job for the sole benefit of their constituents."
The genie: "You crafty, old bastard!"
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A small boy is lost, so he goes up to a policeman and says. "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman says, "What's he like?"
The little boy replies, "Beer and women."
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This is a humorous story that Golden's post reminded me of

A girl who lived off campus in college asked to borrow my car so she could take her clothes to the laundry to wash. She did and let me know that I could pick up my car. When I parked my car at the dorm, I saw black panties in the back seat. When I picked them up, I saw the word Friday sown in red letters on them. I've often wondered what the other days of the week were colored but I did not ask her when I returned her panties. I thought, if Friday was black, then Saturday must be red with that day sown on them in black letters. Then possibly, Sunday was white because she'd go to church and confess her sins. :)
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Chuck Norris has been exposed to the Coronavirus. The virus is now in quarantine for a month.
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I was going to post a time traveler joke.....but you guys didn't like it.
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If you are American when you go in the bathroom and you are American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you are in the bathroom?

















European!
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If you’re right 90% of the time, why quibble about the other 3%?
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I think we've had this before, but anyway:

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. Mae West
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My favourite Mae West was this exchange:

Admirer: Goodness, what lovely diamonds!
Ms West: Goodness had nothin' to do with it.
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Q: What sign are you most compatible with?

A: The Krispy Kreme Hot-n-Ready!
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Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. Plato
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A cartoon in the Sydney Morning Herald shows a couple walking side by side with heads close together, using the lady’s bra two cups as masks for each of them. He says ‘You COULD have cut up my socks’. She says ‘No way, I KNOW those socks’.
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This isn’t a joke, but it’s an interesting slant on other things, sometimes relevant here:

I have learned silence from the talkative, tolerance from the intolerant, kindness from the unkind. Khalil Gibran
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When I was 12 years old I wanted a new bicycle, so I prayed every night asking God to send me one. Then I realized that God does not work that way. So I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
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My sister lives with an elderly woman with dementia. She shared a story with me that made me LOL! Facts 1st. My sister is at risk for COVID-19 due to her COPD and a recent heart valve replacement. I am her care giver as a provider thru IHSS. Lately my role as HER assistant has me doing double duty, to assist with the growing tasks of Mom Honeycutt. So, the being said, here is what was said;
"I think I might have a urinary infection.... I need to make an appointment with the dentist"!
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I recently read a complaint from the flat earthers that all this social distancing is pushing some of them over the edge....
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This one is a wry chuckle at best:
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Dorothy Parker
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More Dorthy Parker....

If all the girls of Harvard were laid end to end.........I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.

When asked to use the word HORTICULTURE in a sentence....

You can lead a whore to culture but you can’t make her think.
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A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. He went ahead and made love to her. Afterward he went downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. “How did you get downstairs so fast”. He asked, “we were just making love”. “Oh my” his wife replied “that’s my mother up there! “She came over earlier and complained of a headache, I told her to lie down for a while. Rushing upstairs the wife ran into the bedroom. “Mother, I can’t believe this happened. Why didn’t you say something.” The mother in law huffed “ I haven't talked to that jerk in 15 years I Wasn’t about to start now!”
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Ok, I can’t resist another today..This is something we are all interested in:
Medical Dictionary:
Artery.....the study of painting
Enema...not a friend
Fester.....quicker
Nitrates...cheaper than day rates
Node....was aware of
Tumor...more than one
Varicose....nearby
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The matchless Ms Parker - it's the lightness of touch that appeals, as in her review of (I'm sorry to say, because she's another heroine) Katharine Hepburn: "Miss Hepburn ran the gamut of emotions from A to B."

I always think of the last verse of "One Perfect Rose"

Why is it no one ever sent me
One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
Ah no! It's always just my luck to get
One perfect rose.

And on the Hallowe'en tradition of ducking for apples:

"There but for one small typo goes the story of my life."
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Dorothy Parker had many snarky sayings, but she also wrote the most beautiful poem, entitled ‘The Maid-Servant at the Inn’. I hope no-one minds me posting it here…

"It's queer," she said; "I see the light
As plain as I beheld it then,
All silver-like and calm and bright ---
We've not had stars like that again!

"And she was such a gentle thing
To birth a baby in the cold.
The barn was dark and frightening ---
This new one's better than the old.

"I mind my eyes were full of tears,
For I was young, and quick distressed
But she was less than me in years
That held a son against her breast.

"I never saw a sweeter child ---
The little one, the darling one! ---
I mind I told her, when he smiled
You'd know he was his mother's son.

"It's queer that I should see them so ---
The time they came to Bethlehem
Was more than thirty years ago;
I've prayed that all is well with them."
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Margaret, that was lovely 😍
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