I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)
On the first day he paints 6 miles, and his supervisor is amazed.
the second day he paints only 3 and on the third day only 1. Disappointed his boss asks what the problem is. the guy replies...Well sir every day I have to walk farther and farther back to the bucket of paint.
TREAT YOUR MASK LIKE UNDERWEAR
Do not touch or adjust (especially in public).
Do not borrow or lend.
Make sure fit is tight but comfortable.
Make sure it is clean.
Wear the right side out.
If it is damp, change it.
Don't go commando.
Thinkie about it!
Which one of the following does not belong with the others:
Binoculars, Eyeglasses, Goggles, Handlebars, Jeans, Pliers, Scissors, Shoes, Tweezers?
Shoes are the only "pair" that actually has two separate pieces.
"Sorry." said the genie. "That's the one wish I can't grant."
"In that case," said the man, "I want to live until the day that the government is filled with honest men and women whose sole and only wish and purpose is to do their best possible job for the sole benefit of their constituents."
The genie: "You crafty, old bastard!"
The policeman says, "What's he like?"
The little boy replies, "Beer and women."
A girl who lived off campus in college asked to borrow my car so she could take her clothes to the laundry to wash. She did and let me know that I could pick up my car. When I parked my car at the dorm, I saw black panties in the back seat. When I picked them up, I saw the word Friday sown in red letters on them. I've often wondered what the other days of the week were colored but I did not ask her when I returned her panties. I thought, if Friday was black, then Saturday must be red with that day sown on them in black letters. Then possibly, Sunday was white because she'd go to church and confess her sins. :)
European!
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. Mae West
Admirer: Goodness, what lovely diamonds!
Ms West: Goodness had nothin' to do with it.
A: The Krispy Kreme Hot-n-Ready!
I have learned silence from the talkative, tolerance from the intolerant, kindness from the unkind. Khalil Gibran
"I think I might have a urinary infection.... I need to make an appointment with the dentist"!
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Dorothy Parker
If all the girls of Harvard were laid end to end.........I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.
When asked to use the word HORTICULTURE in a sentence....
You can lead a whore to culture but you can’t make her think.
Medical Dictionary:
Artery.....the study of painting
Enema...not a friend
Fester.....quicker
Nitrates...cheaper than day rates
Node....was aware of
Tumor...more than one
Varicose....nearby
I always think of the last verse of "One Perfect Rose"
Why is it no one ever sent me
One perfect limousine, do you suppose?
Ah no! It's always just my luck to get
One perfect rose.
And on the Hallowe'en tradition of ducking for apples:
"There but for one small typo goes the story of my life."
"It's queer," she said; "I see the light
As plain as I beheld it then,
All silver-like and calm and bright ---
We've not had stars like that again!
"And she was such a gentle thing
To birth a baby in the cold.
The barn was dark and frightening ---
This new one's better than the old.
"I mind my eyes were full of tears,
For I was young, and quick distressed
But she was less than me in years
That held a son against her breast.
"I never saw a sweeter child ---
The little one, the darling one! ---
I mind I told her, when he smiled
You'd know he was his mother's son.
"It's queer that I should see them so ---
The time they came to Bethlehem
Was more than thirty years ago;
I've prayed that all is well with them."