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Margaret: Thank you sharing that lovely, structured poem of Dorothy Parker's. The metre was pristine.
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My new look since corona shelter in place is the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. All I need is a sailor's hat, collar and tie and an all white outfit.
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I like the idea and humor of sharing about how one looks after months of sheltering inside because the the virus.

When, I was in my senior year of high school my dark copper red hair was long over my ears, almost in my face and a bit down my neck with all of its natural waves and curls.

Now, at 63, like my dad's hair, mine has turned snow white. After all of these months, my hair with curls and waves is back down over each ear, not as much on my forehead as before and down my next some like before. One friend said that my hair looked as long on Facebook as a painting he saw once of John Wesley who had long hair.

I didn't have a beard back in high school, but I do now. It too has grown nice a long and thick. I do take a supplement, Biotin to help my hair grow.

All in all several have said that I look like I'm ready to play Santa Clause. However, I am working on loosing my belly and my wife is working with me also to loose weight on the same diet I was at first on by myself. So, whatever your hair looks like, have a good day and an early Merry Christmas!
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As usual, I cook/serve mom her meals. She's bedridden and constantly confused.

A few days ago I gave her her lunch. She looked up, and asked: "What the hell is THIS?"

"Chicken-pot pie, mom; without the pot," I replied.

"Why?" she wanted to know, "Isn't pot legal now?"
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Back to Church Chuckles. When school went back after Christmas, the boys had to write a composition about what they did on Christmas Day. The Vicar’s son said they went to church in the morning and then for evensong, had a Christmas lunch and opened their presents. The Roman Catholic boy went to Mass, then presents and then sang carols. The Jewish boy whose father owned the local toy shop, said that as usual they went down after breakfast to fix up the empty shelves, and then sang ‘What a friend we have in Jesus’.
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And another church chuckle:

A Scottish Presbyterian Elder was visiting an old lady parishioner in the Higlands in a howling gale. She asked if he would like a glass of lemonade. He replied ‘This is not an occasion for lemonade’. She said ‘A glass of wine?’. Reply ‘Not an occasion for wine either’. Next ‘Well would you like a whisky and water”. Reply ‘It is not an occasion for water’.
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Silly jokes can help me get through the day. Here's one: Why was the lettuce embarrassed? Because it saw the salad dressing. Hope all of you are getting through the day. :)
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What did the salad dressing say when someone opened the refrigerator door? Shut the door, I'm dressing!!!!!!!! :)
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This is one to amuse Llamalover. Our News site reports that the camelid family (Llamas, Alpacas [like our Hector Protector] and Camels) have two immune antibodies (humans have only one), and the second tiny antibody has already been used in HIV research. Now they are injecting Alpacas with Covid and seeing if their blood will develop these antibodies.

The report said that sharks also have this second set of nano-antibodies, but are ‘more difficult to work with’. I laughed til my Jaws ached!
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Margaret: Thanks and actually I had heard that story about Llamas, Alpacas and all in the Camelid family in re the Novel Coronavirus. Who knew?
Injecting sharks? Not so much!
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I inadvertently found the solution to unwanted solicitors. I answer the phone in my best kiddie voice and ask, "Mommy, is that you?!?!"

Anyone else have a solution? Like banging a pot lid with a wooden spoon?

Answering with, "Caller! you're on the air, what's your name?" This one works well.

I would love to hear what works for you.
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My method is to say ‘I’ll get my husband, I won’t be a minute’, put the phone down on my desk, and wait to see how long it takes them to hang up.
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Regarding unwanted telephone solicitors, I've done the "Hello, you are on the air!" response. And then I go on and "interview" them about their opinion on the topic of the day (something crazy I pull out of my head, like "eating octopus eyeballs") and tell them my listeners are eager to hear their story. Usually they hang up pretty quickly. Dh hates when I do this because in his opinion, it is lying. To me, it is pulling their leg and wasting their time.
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graygrammie, I never get a word from a caller when I say they are on the air, instant hang up. I think that I will use your method if I ever get one that doesn't just hang up. That's so good.

MM, what is the longest time that someone sat on hold?
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Isthisrealyreal: A whistle. "You're being recorded."
Seriously the Red Cross made my DH anemic by donating blood 6x in one year. They kept calling and calling and calling and finally I had to come up with proverbial lie.
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I'll answer unwanted calls that I haven't already blocked yet with a kind voice that asks them if they are saved? and follow that up with because if you were saved, you would not have this job.
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A nice little Church Chuckle: An overseas letter arrived in the PO sorting office in Cardiff, Wales, addressed only to ‘W G Christian and Sons, Solicitors, Wales’. It was eventually delivered, with a handwritten note saying ‘No Christians in Cardiff, try Swansea’.
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This is from El Arroyo the restaurant in Texas which has been displaying jokes on its billboard.

I do not have my ducks in a row.
I have squirrels and they're at a rave.
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Ops! I did my "mommy, is that you?!!?" It was my insurance company calling from a different number. She was a bit confused, but we got a good laugh at my expense.
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Another Church Chuckle, since I found the book on my desk. This one is for Catholics who make confession regularly.

A visiting priest offered to assist hearing confessions, but requested that people write them down as he was a little hard of hearing and people often whispered in the confessional. This worked well until one woman handed him a slip saying “ ½ lb tea, ½ lb butter, 2 lb sugar, 1lb cheese’.
She was mortified about the list of sins she had left with the grocer.
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My 93yr-old mom wakes up every 24hrs at midnight and wants to play Monopoly.

"Mom," I say, "it's not even tomorrow yet; it's practically still YESTERDAY."

"Oh," she responds, "where did TODAY go?"
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Chris,
Tell your Mom, that you cannot play Monopoly because you don't have a 'get out of jail free' card.
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As a trucker stops at a red light, a woman catches up...
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."


The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"


Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the woman gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"


When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Iowa and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
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Church magazines seem to generate a lot of Church Chuckles. This one contained a report that two members of the choice sang a duet - 'The Lord Knows Why'. Another gave thanks to the vicar’s wife “who laboured all evening on the piano which as usual fell upon her”. And an actual misprint: “We badly need more sinners for the choir”. It’s an exciting life in the Church!
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My 93yr-old mom wants her amputated toes back.

"For what, mom?" I asked. "To decorate the tree with?"

"Yeah, why not?" she returned.

"Because by donating them, mom, they've already helped foot the bill."
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Chris,
You are never gonna get out of jail free card if you are selling off your Mom's amputated body parts.
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I went to an OpShop yesterday that had tickets for the local Rotary Club’s Prostate Cancer Raffle. I didn’t check what was second prize. True!
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I asked my 93yr-old mom w/ dementia if she wanted an absentee ballot for the upcoming election.

She answered, "Can you get me another ballot? Didn't we ELECT an absentee the LAST time?"
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Margaret: Say again? I must be slow tonight.😁
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Here at least, raffles usually say what they are raffling. Prostate cancer is unlikely to be popular!
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